Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So, who else here can't open up a bag of "Bugles" without putting one on each finger and pretending to be a bear?

   I need a woman who understands me, Not one who criticices me for arranging my Beanie Babie's by phylum.

   I want Bieber-canceling headphones.

   I'm not a Gynacologist, But i'll have a look.

   peta=people eating tasty animals.

   Ahh good ole, Facebook mobile. Or as I like to call it, "WALK-N-STALK".

   radios in car wasn't tell the 50s numbnuts

   The radio... making car rides less awkward since 1927.

   Don't you hate when you read all the long post and can't find in funny? What a waste of time...

   The key to a woman's heart is shaped like a large wiener and has a Visa symbol on it.

   I like my women like I like my dogs. Obedient, loyal, and always licking ...

   Nothing is sexier than a woman wearing a team sports jersey and cheering on her team. Other than a woman who's not wearing a jersey..

   Thinking about making fish flavored breath mints to tackle the lesbian market.

   To do list for the day: Hate self, love self, hate self, love self. Lunch. Hate self.

   What did one Blackberry user say to the other? Nothing!

   Please don't take anything I say personal or too seriously. I'm just an idiot with internet access.

   You are your biggest enemy. Don't defeat yourself.

   Guys who say MOB while they are still living with their moms mean, Mom Over B!tches.

   Ladies; The best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else.

   Walked into 5 spider webs during my evening walk, so 5 times I pantomimed putting out a flaming ski mask.