Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men in my family don't talk about our underwear. We're the thong silent type.

   Why fat people like chips chocolate and fast food ..it makes them HAPPY..!!!

   The only way to kill a mime is to shoot it with blanks.

   Some relationships in life are like fat people, they don't work out.

   Relationships aren't tests, so why cheat?

   Why can't we really post whats on our mind , because we'll be thought of as weird weak - I allmost didn't post this

   I hate to say it, but...Times change, seasons change, jobs change, lives change, and even weather changes. But people never do.

   It seems that nowadays people just add random symbols or letters after a colon and call it an emoticon. Like really? What the hell does :H mean.

   Alot of commercials nowadays are just knock offs of the Oldspice commercials with a very dramatic main character and a suprising plot twist at the end.

   Due to the retarded faces some girls like to make and the fact that it's become cool to be a jerk, nowadays, instead of duck, duck, goose, all you see in pictures is duck, duck, douche.

   Roses are brown, violets are brown, grass is brown...who took a sh!t in my yard!?

   If your woman is feeling down, be there to feel her up!

   Though they are called supermodels, they do not have any super powers. Unless class 2 drug dependency and being very thin is a power

   Singing to a song you don't really know...but that 15 second part you do know is coming, and you're gonna own that ish!

   It sucks when the trailer makes a movie seem funny but when you watch it you realize that literally all the funny parts were just in the trailer.

   If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher!!

   I'm not saying you're a slut. It's just that your "private parts" are more like public parts ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

   He told me he doesn't have a beer gut...but it is just a protective covering for his rock hard abs!!

   I am responsible for what I say. I am not responsible for what you understand.

   A girl just told me she wants to play House, so I started limping and insulting her.