Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was working and suddenly I am on Facebook.

   Procrastination is a disease! I'll do something about it tomorrow.

   I think that gal Flo from the progressive insurance commercials is hot! The same goes for Dee Dee Doodle that smoking hot purple gal with the pink hair and big hands on doodlebops! Yea this abstinance thing I am on is working out great???!!!!

   Psychiatric labels are nice way of sugar coating the fact that some people are just plain a$$holes.

   When I watch "Footloose" all I can think is, "They allow dancing one town over. Just go there."

   Dear Apple, today would be the perfect day to bring out the new iphone to 'prove' that it's better than blackberry

   Everyone has that one special person in their life who keeps them looking forward to another day. If you don't then maybe that special person is yourself.

   Hey Amish person reading this: Busted!

   I think women are born with the right to warm their cold toes on men.

   The planet Saturn = 7 rings, Michael Jordan = 6 rings, Kobe Bryant = 5 rings, LeBron James.........Just a Headband.

   People who write "WASH ME" on dirty cars are the same people who think "Pull My Finger" is the most hilarious game ever

   I'm so glad dog hair is an accepted accessory in society.

   The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actualy kill me

   Make me good God, but not just yet.

   A friend of mine was wounded in combat. He sprained his ankle when he tripped over a table during a bar fight.

   ‎2 days before the new iphone comes out the Blackberry network crashes... Well Played Apple!

   its horrible when you get harshly woken up...by your own fart

   moonwalking away after mugging someone because you're a smooth criminal

   i think I spend more time looking for a movie on netflix then actually watching

   when one of the selling features of a hotel room is "working smoke detectors", best take your $50 elsewhere