Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You think a popular place like the Krusty Krab would have more than two employees.

   After a complete high school education, the things Jimmy Neutron says don't sound all that impressive anymore.

   People say your life flashes before your eyes when you die, but Steve Apple doesn't support Flash.

   It's annoying when you think of an awesome idea or thing to do and within the next few minutes, you completely forget what it was, but the memory of how awesome it was still lingers.

   So what if you have a boyfriend! You don't see me going up to people in wheelchairs reminding them that they can't walk!

   Wanna make someone feel uncomfortable? After shaking their hand slowly lift your hand to your nose and say, Mmmmmmmm.

   Dont you ou hate when you're at someone's house and they ask stupid questions like "Who are you?" and "Is that a gun?",

   Don't you hate it when you're angry for a certain reason, and someone makes you smile. It's just.... just... I'M TRYING TO BE ANGRY DAMMIT.

   There's that little bit of you that secretly thinks you'll be famous some day.

   Wishes the protestors would occupy Iran, North Korea, & Syria, instead of Wall street

   it crazy that when I go to stores and have to sign my name for stuff I sign "Daffy Duck"...I mean I guess its not a problem unless Daffy Duck steals my identity right??

   A woman gave birth shortly after finishing the Chicago Marathon on Sunday. And that's why I don't jog.

   It's annoying how people on facebook, post sad youtube videos or lyrics because they aren't over their ex. I've always wanted to say this to you. your ex doesn't give a crap, Your depressing post piss me off to no end, and I don't think he/she loves you.

   sometimes watch birds and wonder “If I could fly who would I sh*t on?”

   Mark your calendar - Valentines weekend, 2013. Die Hard 5: A Good Day to Die Hard.

   I encourage more people to become hipsters. Eventually, it will make them mainstream and the self loathing can truly begin.

   why is everyone complaining, my Blackberry is working just fine, holding all the papers down on my desk.

   Great news for BlackBerry users: a solution has been emailed to you.

   overheard at walmart ; customer service needed in the sporting goods, we have a customer by the balls.

   The last time I touched a nice ass was when my hand went through the toilet paper