Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a lawyer and your mother-in-law were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go watch TV or just have a drink?

   hates being called handsome. If a twosome is s*x between 2 people, threesome being s*x between three people, etc...then you get my point!

   a train station is where trains stop. A bus stations is where buses stop. Yes you could call this my workstation...

   how long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you`re on.

   Trusting a dog to watch your food is like trusting me to babysit your girlfriend.

   I LOVE beating women... ...to the door so I can hold it open for them

   When your girlfriend asks you "Do I look fat?", the correct response is "Do I look stupid?"

   Its so cold outside that my neighbor gave me the mitten this morning instead of the finger

   When a couple is so much in love, they are called LOVE BIRDS. When a couple always argues and fight, they are called ANGRY BIRDS.

   Sometimes you gotta give them candy...

   Before you send me an invite to your event, please familiarise yourself with my diva demands.

   My Wife and I have a beautiful little girl who we named after my Mom, in fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow

   I want to donate a large amount of money to a rape clinic and I won't take "No" for an answer.

   i ran into friends at the bar last night, but they understood because I was drunk

   dear google, please stop acting like my girlfriend and finishing my sentences and guessing what i`m searching for

   joining the 'Occupy' movement tonight. My rear end is going to OCCUPY a bar stool to watch the Eagles vs. Cowboys and my stomach is going to be OCCUPIED by some beer!

   I'm getting use to the straight jacket, but this typing with your tongue is such bullsh*t!!

   I asked what she wanted and she said "surprise me". So I did her sister.

   ...sorry...it's is hard to pay attention when I wasn't listening

   I am having the best day of my life and I owe it all to not going to church!!!