Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw two kids today texting each other on their cell phones while standing maybe two feet away from each other. Dear Future: I'm sorry.

   At a cemetary, looking for my name on tombstones. This is the Goth version of Googling yourself.

   She won't let me warm my icicle feet on her toasty inner thighs due to the availability of a technology called "socks." WHATEVER.

   I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I(heart) Duck"...it tastes like chicken. I said "No it doesn't". Then I realized I was talking to a bumper sticker.

   You can always tell when a blonde has used a vibrator... Her front teeth are broken!

   So if someone invites you to their wedding, it's apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can't make it but I'll come to your next one".

   that BeachBody has signed a deal with Linda Blair for a new workout video just in time for Halloween called "P90Xorcism"

   They took my happy meal.... I took their happiness.

   Getting so tired of the whole "Occupy Wall Street" protest... it's getting old. Besides, have you seen these people? Half of them look like they should be occupying Bourbon St., and the other half don't look smart enough to occupy Sesame St...

   second guessed over 80% of the decisions that I have made in life. Maybe 90%.

   This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!

   I'm so gangsta that I change the channels holding the remote sideways.

   So have they made a drink called Tequila Mockingbird yet? What the hell are they waiting for???

   I completely admire your talent of sitting on it and talking out of it at the same time...

   Ladies, if the story he is telling you is extremely detailed then he is lying.

   Hi. I'm in a staff meeting. There are 62 ceiling tiles in our meeting room, 6 light fixtures with 24 fluorescent bulbs. That is all.

   I banged my best friends mom, I guess this makes me his best motherf*cking friend!

   Dear Facebook friend, I was so super excited to read your post about you having pork chops for dinner. It was almost as captivating as your story about taking your grandmother to the grocery store. Where do you come up with this stuff???

   I miss the days when Disney produced cartoons instead of teen sluts.

   My feelings are hurt that it took you two months to figure out that I blocked you. B!TCH!