Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you wear the #15 jersey while passing out candy to the kiddies tonight, you're allowed to throw the candy 15 feet above the kids heads. This is known as TEBOWING.

   How to save money on Halloween candy, set a empty bowel on the front porch and write a nice note that says please only take one piece of candy, that way everyone can have some.

   You know you're wasting your life on the Internet when you keep coming back to the same sites because you can't think of anything else to do.

   You'd think that after a while, Scooby and Shaggy would stop being such pu$sies when they see a ghost or something. They should know it's just someone in a costume.

   TRUTH IS:... Kardashian should be a verb for "Bounce"  "Ayo homie i'd like to kick it but I gotta Kardashian"

   A lot of people assume when you laugh while texting someone, it's because what they said is funny. But in most cases, you're laughing at what YOU said because you're just that freaking hilarious.

   "You see your family whole year, holidays are for your bartender !!" - Moe Syzlak

   It sucks when you're trick or treating and someone has a really long driveway that you actually took the time to walk up and they don't have candy.

   What's longer than Kim Kardashian's marriage?... This status.

   It makes no sense for a 911 operator to put you on hold: "911 please hold.""Ok, wait. Stop stabbing me for a sec." Murderer: "K"

   They should make haunted houses with genuine fears. For example: Eviction notices at every corner, very important final exams that you didn't study for, pictures of your parents naked, etc.

   "Rule #1 for surviving in Zombieland, CARDIO. When the virus struck, for obvious reasons, the first ones to go were the fatties. Poor fat bast-ards."

   zombies...when Theres no more room in hell the dead will walk the earth..

   handing out safe Halloween treats this year...1 condom & sample sized KY Jelly

   WIFE..is giving out free broom rides tonight

   thinks its rather strange that all the parents he's seen trick or treating with their children tonight have all been lard a$$es.... Who SERIOUSLY wants the candy here??!

   The kids are gonna be shtting themselves after trick or treating at my house tonight......Chocolate laxatives are the best.

   my android battery last longer than kim kardashians marriage

   Thought for the day . The most important letter in the world is U

   hitting my " like " button makes you ten times more attractive