Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If we all band together and don't show up for work tomorrow, we could put an end to this 'wake up on Monday' nonsense once and for all. Spread the word.

   This girl last night claimed that she'd rather perform oral sex on a diseased monkey than go out with me. Well, she's in luck, 'cause I've got a friend who works at the zoo, and he owes me one...

   Wives are funny creatures. They won't have sex with their husbands for weeks but then they want to kill the first woman who does.

   Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane, and a "Where in the hell am I?" lane.

   Roses are red, Facebook is blue. You look bangable, so I'll add you.

   You ever check your weight before and after you sh!t? I tried it and I gained weight. I think I did something seriously wrong.

   Yeah, I felt bad rejecting her friend request on Facebook, but come on! Isn't it enough that I'm in a relationship with her? Now I got to be her friend too?

   Yeeeehaaaaaw! I just won the Rolling Office Chair Derby!!! Crossed the finish line backwards while giving my opponents the double bird.

   If Her Legs Aint Never Shook Or Locked Up On Ya, Yu Aren't Doing It Right!

   I want to live my life like a fly, pester as many people and get into as much sh!t as possible before I die.

   ↖↖↖↖↖↖↖↑↗↗↗ ↗↗ ↗ ←← Fake people everywhere→→ ↙↙↙↙↙↙↙↓↘↘↘ ↘ ↘ ↘

   Insecurity is an ugly thing, it makes you hate people that you don't even know...

   You know your ass is ugly when you're the one always asked to take the photo

   If all he wants you for is ur Breast,Legs and thighs send him to KFC. Ur a lady,not someones cheap value meal

   she serious with that outfit? Why doesn't she just paste a "For Sale" sign across her chest?

   If you're wondering at what point I stopped caring, it was pretty much when you said, "Hi, my name is _________."

   OMG!!! I am so f'd up...I drank so much last night..i woke up in my own vomit! Party!....woohoo!..I just chugged more vodka to cure the hangover!.....(this didn't happen, just wanted to fit in in Facebook).

   Do they have unbearded ladies at an Italian carnival?

   Wow...there apparently is a front And back to male thongs.

   I pretended to work all day while dreaming about big boobs