Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Basketball players took the phrase"grow up" too literally.

   If size doesn't matter, how come my ex's vibrator wasn't three inches long and crooked?

   Snooki's like a basketball: Orange and passed around by a bunch of sweaty guys.

   why does my phone always break right about the time I teach my t9 dictionary all the important cuss words? Duck you Verizon. And econ you to hell.

   I'm a keeper. Don't listen to my exes... they be b!tches...

   Ladies, Take note of the plot of Sleeping Beauty: My sexual advances on you while you sleep, I'm a keeper... still single

   80% of the time, I hate my life... the other 20% of the time i'm unconscious.

   Husband says to wife,"My Olympic condoms have arrived, I think I'll wear gold tonight." Wife says ‘Why don't you wear silver and come second for a change?

   ..read this out loud ," I am we Todd did. I am sofa king we Todd did "

   911 gets a call from a blonde saying MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE! the operator says calm down ma'am,how do we get to your house.the blonde says on your big red truck!

   What's the difference between a young hooker and an old hooker? The young hooker uses Vaseline and an old hooker uses Poly-Grip.

   The opinions of fools are generally foolish opinions

   I was absolutely shocked to hear that Kim Kardashian Is getting divorced. In other breaking news.....We landed on the Moon!!!

   When a girl calls you by the wrong name, that's just spontaneous role-play, right?

   The voices in my head declined my friend request.

   *finds out crush isn't at school today* "Damn, I wasted an outfit."

   ❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ I'm still awesome either way. So who cares?

   Once you hate someone, everything they do is offensive. "Look at this bi*ch, eating those f*cking crackers like she owns the place!”

   Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows.

   Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don't understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.