Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wanted to save my children some money down the road so I already purchased my headstone for the cemetery. It reads "I'm not dead yet."

   I don't care to be the rich guy who you want to marry and never have sex with…. I prefer to be the pool boy who you want to have dirty sex with but never marry.

   We spent our whole youth to obtain wealth and our whole wealth to obtain youth.

   Your parents ask you to do something and you tell them you'll do it in ten minutes but you never do it.....

   [Average Salaries] U.S. Soldier: $54,000....U.S. Congressman: $174,000 (Not counting bonuses)....What's wrong with this picture?

   Telus: “Your call is very important to us, Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.” :(

   When people start a sentence with "Do you know what your problem is?" I interrupt and start telling them all my problems. They never expect that!

   The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I think this is the one time in his life, where he wishes she sent him for tampons!

   Today a judge sentenced Lindsay Lohan to 30 days in jail for violating her probation. Or as Kim Kardashian put it, “30 days? That's like four marriages!”

   Kim Kardashian is saying she regrets that she and basketball star Kris Humphries rushed into marriage. She said he should have gone the traditional route and released the sex tape first.

   Chinese Eye Emotions: sad (- -) happy (- -) angry (- -)

   Million Dollar Idea: Toilet paper with short stories on them.

   In my head the Burger King and the Dairy Queen are married. And they have children named Wendy and Ronald McDonald.

   What an alleged ‘drug dealer' said to the Judge, “Weed is not a drug, it's a plant. Therefore, I am not a dealer, I'm a Florist.”

   Yea, autocorrect, I meant "nymph" instead of "my phone" because I am a 16th Century poet.

   Great news for YOU , I found a prostitute that charges by the inch, I obviusly can't afford her but I figured I'd pass it onto you so you could enjoy a cheap night out

   if a guys internet history is cleared, please dont shake his hands...

   The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.

   I'm thankful I can scroll quickly through what everyone's thankful for.

   this Sunday we all get to travel back in time just like Marty McFly.