Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Am I the only one who has their life flash before their eyes when they sit on a cold toilet seat

   I need a new, non-fatal to flamingos way to deal with stress.

   All answers questioned here.

   I don't trust my shrink anymore. First, he tells me to speak freely, then he charges me for listening.

   Only true friends go straight to your fridge when they go to your house.

   So the house used to film the Jersey Shore is now for rent. Can you imagine what you would see if you went thru there with a UV light? Yes, that's right.... hair gel EVERYWHERE.

   I would love to meet "Wasn't me" and "I didn't do it". They need to be grounded or spanked for causing a lot of trouble here.

   The current US population stands at over 300 million. If we all contributed $1, that would be enough to buy off many lobbyists. I'd be happy to be the receiving officer for this plan.

   If you didn't hear "I'm hungry" or "workout" then I didn't hear "premature ejaculation" or " get a job"

   "Counting to Ten" when someone pisses you off, works much better if don't count "out loud" while they are talking to you!

   Since 1972 I have survived the end of the world 43 times, I am awesome and obviously a superhero

   If you keep walking backwards, you will eventually fall over the hurdles you have already crossed in your life.

   Tonight I'm gonna party like it's Dec 21th, 2012

   If I ever delete you, , try to understand that you're one in a million. (Because I like 99.5% of people.)

   Do I know you? Cause you look a lot like my next girlfriend.

   Everyone "shares" on occasion, but the self proclaimed Great one should be arrested for grand theft.

   To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.

   Headline: Aussie coast fears rogue shark may have killed 3 people. - Rogue shark? Ok, who's house are you swimming in? That's his domain. Perhaps more accurately the head line should be, Rogue swimmers caught by shark and eaten.

   google. type the words "why does my poop" and let google magic fill in the laughs with the suggested questions

   one day I'll sit down with my grandchildren and dust off an old favorite movie I used to watch as a kid. as we watch" fast and furious" together, the kids laugh at those silly lookin cars.