Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Crack the whip on yourself but be lenient with others. Unless they're into that sort of thing.

   Be positive. Every morning look yourself in the mirror and say: I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it people want to f*ck me.

   Give a man a beer, drink for an hour. Teach a man to brew, drink for a lifetime. Give a man a wine cooler & you'll get knocked the f*ck out.

   Necessity is the mother of invention. The Kama Sutra was created because no one should have to "reach enlightenment" in missionary position.

   It's every man's obligation to put back into the world what he takes out. Any ideas on how to give back all the virginities we've taken?

   When life gets too stressful, sometimes you need professional help. Hire a prostitute, they're highly-trained at stress release.

   I think the jury will acquit Dr. Murray, but instead blame his plastic surgeons!

   Ka•ra•o•ke noun. Origin: Japan Definition: Tone-deaf drunk with a microphone.

   The Universe will be in cosmic harmony once Michael J. Fox endorses the "Shake Weight", & Chris Brown the "Slap Chop".

   when somebody tells you to go "f*** yourself" use reverse psychology and say "hell no...I'll do it right here thank you very much"

   Rihanna "Fell in love in a hopeless place". Must have been in Greece.

   I have a six figure salary. Unfortunately, all six figures are to the right of the decimal point.

   Be polite, bow. And while you're down there...

   We all suffer from a stroke at some point in our lives. Whether it be a stroke of bad luck, a blood clot, or a dry handjob.

   Some moments you remember all your life. Reading this, unfortunately, is not one of those moments.

   Tell me and I'll forget; show me and I may remember; involve me and I'll understand. Sex is best learned by doing.

   With only one plug in this hospital room it's not looking good for Nana's respirator if my phone battery dies and I have another AWESOME face book status update .

   The less power a man has, the more he likes to use it. That's why bouncers are d!cks.

   In life everything has a Yin & a Yang. Without demoralizing Monday mornings, there would be no debaucherous Friday nights.

   Don't feel bad Westerners, somewhere there is a Chinese kid in an American restaurant struggling with a knife & fork.