Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you hear about the mexican guy who had a heart attack on Halloween? Somebody came to his door dressed as a job.

   would happily join one of these "occupy" movements, if only they were looking to occupy a Dunkin' Donuts.

   If you're genuinely surprised about Kim Kardashian getting divorced, I need to tell you something about Santa Claus...

   I like to lift my feet up so the person in the stall next to me thinks it's a ghost that has diarrhea.

   I had a near death experience, and I saw heaven. People were screaming and there was fire everywhere. It was glorious.

   People say that money isn't the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

   My sleep number is 2...bong rips

   I've applied for a job at the DMV so I can be the one who decides who can have a license and who will f***ing walk.

   I think the smartest, most original thing a person can talk about is how early the Christmas decorations are up this year.

   In my experience, passionately singing Phil Collins will clear a room.

   Just unfriended 3 people for chatting under my status.

   Researchers at the Mayo Clinic have found a way to slow the aging process in mice. Because everyone hates old mice

   Ya know you had a good night when you wake up next day having used the coffee table as Duvet !!

   Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.

   Gossip is the devil's radio station,so don't be the dj

   GIRL : “Your teeth” BOY : “Yes, what about them?” GIRL : “They remind me of a song” BOY : “Oh really what song ?” GIRL : “Black and Yellow”

   Woman's Tongue & Man's eye, 'rest' only when they die..

   Things were happening around us, but nothing was happening between us.

   The next time the hostess asks you "Would you like a table?", you should respond "No, not at all, I came to the restaurant to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please."

   Sometimes its better to forget about making people happy and just do what YOU really want to do.