Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you want to lose "friends"....tell the truth.

   Some peoples confidence is too close to arrogance to take them seriously

   Admit it, at one time in your life you went a public washroom and didnt wash your hands after because nobody else would see you

   You are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success. F*cking act like it.

   I shot someone with a starting pistol.I've been charged with race crimes

   Don't you just hate it when people think there clever but use the wrong grammar?

   just been given two weeks to live.The girlfriends gone away for a fortnight.

   Somebody called me 'pretentious' the other day.I nearly choked on my latte.

   I love getting fresh clean underwear out of the dryer....I just wish I knew who they belong to!

   Have you heard about that new film about the tractor? I only saw the trailer

   was just thinking ... are orphans allowed to watch PG movies?

   If you got a problem face it, don't Facebook it!

   Last week a German satellite fell from the sky, but fortunately they warned everyone ahead of time so France would not surrender.

   My girlfriend insists on buying tuna in water. "It's healthier then the tuna in oil!" Then we get home and she puts a gallon of mayonnaise in it.

   ♫ Good Morning USA, I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day. ♫

   My wife is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and currently looking over my shoulder

   Futurist, writer, strategist, social media guru, comedian, consultant, entrepreneur, horny. One out of the seven is true about me.

   I'll never be mature enough to hear the term “natural gas” and not giggle a little.

   I wonder how many calories a women burns trying to avoid sex?

   Rose are red, violets are blue. I have a gun. Get in the van.