Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   See this hand? It's going to descend in an arc that will, in the process, have contact with your face. Just warning you.

   Attention Herman Cain.....Democrats would love for you to win the Republican nomination. They have no need to go out and harm your campaign.

   It takes patience to listen.. it takes skill to pretend you're listening.

   I just f*cked a girl that stutters. It was great. I finished before she could say "NO!"

   Me? Fail English!? …. That's unpossible!

   There is so little food in my house right now I think I saw some ants putting together a grocery list.

   Girl: “Why do you keep following me?!” Boy: “Because when I was little, my mom told me to follow my dreams.”

   Girl: Why do you constantly keep posting my name as your Facebook status every 2 minutes? Boy: Facebook keeps asking me what's on my mind? And honestly, it's always you.

   Herman Cain justifying being accused of sexually assaulting 4 women is like a drunk defnding 4 DUIs

   According to scientists, due to global warming is posing a huge threat to the arabica coffee bean. You know what that means. We're one worldwide coffee shortage away from an actual zombie apocalypse.

   The 4th Noble Truth: If it has four legs and it's not a table, eat it.

   Fellas: Don't build a new ship out of old wood. Upgrading your woman with plastic surgery doesn't change the fact that her genes are ugly.

   Quitters have more free time.

   Which came first, the Chicken or the Egg? If you want to know the answer, order both off the menu and see which one comes first.

   Ladies; Your eyebrows will either make you or break you.

   I hate people who tell me to calm down when I am not even pi$$ed.

   so if an old lady who wants to bang young guys is called a Cougar I guess an old man who wants to bang little boys would be called a Nittany Lion?

   I always skip a few slices of bread as a quality control measure in a loaf. This step is to insure freshness.

   Forget personalized ringtones. I need something done to my doorbell so I can tell if it's family, friends, UPS, Jehovah's Witnesses, or people trying to sell me sh!t.

   I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie