Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   of course you like your new tempur pedic bed. anything is better than the stained, coily, saggy piece of sh*t you had before.

   DQ's new "caramel nut roll" sounds like...ah hell, we all know exactly what it sounds like.

   Conrad Murray convicted of killing a pedophile and we cheer at the verdict?? I bet Dexter Morgan is pleased even tho he didn't get to make a trip to Neverland Ranch!!

   heard there is a new youth football league being formed... It's gonna be called Sandusky League.... Some full contact but mostly two hand touch !!!!

   I just hate it when I flip someone off and then realize I'm still wearing my mittens.

   You can't tell me Occupy Wall Street and the McRib's return are a coincidence.

   #ConradMurray guilty...guess this was the way to take the attention off of MJ being a weirdo with a drug addtction

   The Game Angry Birds... Should really change its name to Angry People!

   Herman Cain's new plan should be the 69, 69, 69 plan...

   Evolution is God's way of issuing upgrades.

   Health nuts are going to feel stupid one day when they are lying in hospitals, dying of nothing

   If your apartment is hit by a dolphin DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OK. That's just how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

   Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you're hot.

   "No I didn't trip. The floor looked like it needed a hug."

   If you can't remember someone's name then, ask them "what was your name again?" Out of instinct, they tel you their first name. Then say "Oh I knew that, I meant your last name!" And boom, you get the full name, and you're not rude. Double score.

   These ‘energy saving' light-bulbs are rubbish. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.

   if I was making $150,000 a month, I sure as h-ell wouldn't kill the man who pays me..

   Conrad Murray is guilty?!? In other surprising news, Kim Kardashian is getting divorced, Casey Anthony killed her daughter and Justin Beiber will never be anyones father because he is, in fact, a girl...

   "Do you agree to our Terms and Conditions?" - The question that will someday come back to haunt us all.

   Why do firetrucks often accompany ambulances to a call? I'd be like "I'm not on fire; I just can't feel my legs! Chillax!"