Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A crazy woman tried to chase down my car as I left the mall. Maybe it was the previous owner. She looked a lot like the baby in the backseat

   I wonder who was the first person to see an egg come out of a chicken's booty and think..."I'm gonna eat that!"

   "Look at my face, does it look like I care?" - "Well by looking at your face, God didn't care either"

   Sorry I wasn't paying attention, I was thinking about having sex with you.

   Drugs and alcohol are never the answer. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?"

   Did you make it home safely? "No, I died 35 times

   A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

   Romeo and juliet killed themselves for their love so I think you can at least answer my text message.

   wondering what poor country will be receiving all the Texas Rangers 2011 World Series Champions T-shirts

   Walking around the kitchen, like Pac-Man when you're hungry.

   I Just Saw two homeless guys hitting eachother with cardboard; PILLOW FIGHT?!

   EX: "You'll never find anyone like me." ME: "That's the point stupid!"

   The less you have, the more you value it.

   If you live anywhere near the "Occupy Wall Street" protest, I suggest you NOT dress up as a Port-O-Potty this Halloween!

   People ask me if I live my life on the edge. Well, let's just say I'm the kind of guy who eats apples without washing them first.

   Baby seal walks in a bar. Bartender: "what'll you have?" Baby Seal: "Anything but a Canadian Club"

   Heading to Victoria's Secret® to grope the Mannequins..Anybody need anything??

   I just gave a cow $5 and it didn't do anything. Cow tipping isn't as much fun as everyone says it is!!

   Just found a $5 bill in some old pants from middle school...Do you know how many rectangle pizzas with the cube pepperoni I could have bought with that?? Or better yet some mutha-f^ckin Chicken Rings...

   Would I bring a knife to a gunfight? Sure. Maybe some potato chips, too. I mean, they were kind enough to invite me to their fight.