Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best kind of laughter, is laughing so hard it's silent.

   Fun fact: If you took the skin of an average person and laid it flat you would have enough to get a pretty serious criminal conviction.

   I bought a new dog and named her G-Spot. Now I can't find her.

   Whats up this video of a dude with a huge zit on the back of his neck going around facebook?.....I'd rather be stuck at the bottom of "Mike & Molly's" ass pile than have to watch some wonderlick pop a giganic tumor-like pustule!

   If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. Don't slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.

   Why I love winter: 1. Christmas morning with my kids 2. Snow 3. My wife keeps her clothes on during sex. 4. Liquor in my car stays cold

   Hey guys whose girlfriends wear those giant t-shirts as nightgowns, one day you'll be married, and that shirt's going to fit her.

   If abortion is murder, aren't comdoms kidnapping?

   Friend: Whatcha eating? Me: alphabet soup. Friend: looks like spaghetti to me. Me: It's in Arabic

   If you have a problem with me, text me. If you don't have my number than that means you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me.

   If you have to question whether or not your behavior is acceptable, it's probably not.... and we should definitely hang out :)

   A stupid man's report of what a clever man says can never be accurate, because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand

   Nobody Dates Anymore, Everybody has a ``Thing" with someone

   Just remember nobody's perfect...Cuz i'm sure even Mother Teresa blamed her fart on a kid or two...

   Its makes me young again when I jack off with baby lotion..lol

   My wife has been worried about her weight...i told her to keep her chins up...

   Kinda glad the "You Broke It, You Bought It" policy doesn't apply .to people

   Never let on to your kids that the shower dramatically changes temperature when the toilet is flushes. Otherwise, you've just given them a new favorite pastime.

   thinks I feel great when I go to bed drunk. I wake up feeling crap. Obviously sleep is bad for you!!!!

   there any good boxers named mario? would love to see super mario fight pac man