Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dress well and all doors will open for you. Wear Crocs and all the doors will close on you.

   Hey, if y'all have any good vegan Thanksgiving recipes please rip them up and burn them cause that's freakin' gross.

   A Game? I don't know. . . Skyrim sounds like something you pay a hooker extra for.

   NEW FACEBOOK GAME: Message me your bank account or credit card number & I will post which bill I paid with it, as my status.

   I dont know why these stupid employment agency websites keep suggesting that I link my job application profile to my Facebook page. If employers ever visit my Facebook page, I will never get a job in this lifetime.

   You may be pushing Christmas a little too much if you take your candle out of your Jack-O-Lantern and stick it in your Window!!...Just Sayin..

   I let my family know I'm going to Vegas soon, they reply "can we come" I say "do you bring a hooker to Disneyland?" then why would I bring family to Vegas..!

   Why are these Occupy Wall Street hippies constantly interrupting perfectly peaceful gatherings of angry police officers?

   sticky cinnamon bun, great snack or awsome stripper name?

   B!tches or not, 99 problems is still a sh!tload of problems.

   A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it 1,345,435 times.

   I really don't want a birthday card. Just give me the $4 you would've spent on it. If it makes you feel better sign your name on each dollar.

   I wonder if my drug dealer is going to have any Black Friday deals.

   n't Breaking Dawn already a movie starring Ron Jeremy?

   I've found "the more the merrier" to be a dangerously inaccurate cliché.

   Yelling "I DIDN'T INVITE YOU IN" doesn't work on spiders but it will freak out twilight fans.

   "Love me tender." - pirate describing his fondness of breaded chicken

   I'm in Wisconsin for two more days which should be just long enough to lose enthusiasm for existence.

   I think it's time for me to pick something to care about.

   Wrote a screenplay called "Primal Justice" about a high dollar lawyer gorilla torn between his code of ethics & his lust for power/bananas.