Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm Frank with all of my dates. Wouldn't want them knowing my real name would i?

   Everything is made in China, Except for babies, They're made in the VaChina

   How is LIL WAYNE, a man with a wife, ex-wife, 5 baby mommas, 3 boos, 2 hoes an a partridge in a pear tree, gonna tell me how to love.

   The funniest thing about the Darth Vader kid car commerical was that the parents thought they started the car.

   You've really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can't reach it.

   I never let my children watch band performances on TV. Too much sax and violins.

   I never feel my day is complete, until one of my fb friends is having a worse day than I. Even if I have to be the cause of it.

   If I've given you my time & an opportunity & you squandered both, don't question why I'm not in your bed tonight.

   It's not that guys can't find the G-spot; we just like looking for it…a lot.

   I think I was bitten by a radio-active sloth.

   When I was younger I used to have a lot of patience, but now I'm like Michael Jackson's Doctor & I have no patients.

   If I were a dog I'd constantly be thinking "Sure. You can pat me. Whatever. Then you can feed me and maybe later you can pick up my poop".

   I call the bomb squad everytime a package is delivered at work so we can stand outside & bull sh$it the rest of the day.

   Sometimes you have to ask yourself if you are doing the right thing. If you can see Gary Busey doing it, chances are you should not.

   Kim Kardashian. Kim Bassinger. Kim Chee. I'll take "Things that are edible" for $500 Alex

   how many times can you post the cougar/nittany lion thing. there is three per page! OK, WE GET IT!

   I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off your trees let me know.

   My ex was really into erotic asphyxiation. And by "erotic asphyxiation" I mean he was fat and I couldn't breathe.

   My favourite pastime is planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sitting back to watch the magic unfold.

   Just invented a drink called the LESBIAN. All you do is mix two liquors