Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   These ‘energy saving' light-bulbs are rubbish. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.

   if I was making $150,000 a month, I sure as h-ell wouldn't kill the man who pays me..

   Conrad Murray is guilty?!? In other surprising news, Kim Kardashian is getting divorced, Casey Anthony killed her daughter and Justin Beiber will never be anyones father because he is, in fact, a girl...

   "Do you agree to our Terms and Conditions?" - The question that will someday come back to haunt us all.

   Why do firetrucks often accompany ambulances to a call? I'd be like "I'm not on fire; I just can't feel my legs! Chillax!"

   A fauxhawk is a good way of letting people know they can beat you in a fight.

   wondering if Herman Cane came up with his 999 plan after a dinner date with a German woman...

   Anything Gloria Allred speaks out against I will support!

   I'm thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."

   A good plan tonight is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. So get her buzzed before the club lights come on & she gets a good look at you.

   It doesn't matter what race, color, creed, or gender you are; we're all Recycled.

   To understand someone you have to walk a mile in their shoes. That's why men don't understand women, they never learned to walk in heels.

   Young souls, when Adults say "Stay away from drugs", what they mean is stay away from Their drugs.

   Crack the whip on yourself but be lenient with others. Unless they're into that sort of thing.

   Be positive. Every morning look yourself in the mirror and say: I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it people want to f*ck me.

   Give a man a beer, drink for an hour. Teach a man to brew, drink for a lifetime. Give a man a wine cooler & you'll get knocked the f*ck out.

   Necessity is the mother of invention. The Kama Sutra was created because no one should have to "reach enlightenment" in missionary position.

   It's every man's obligation to put back into the world what he takes out. Any ideas on how to give back all the virginities we've taken?

   When life gets too stressful, sometimes you need professional help. Hire a prostitute, they're highly-trained at stress release.

   I think the jury will acquit Dr. Murray, but instead blame his plastic surgeons!