Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry folks, but until I get laid, I'm not thankful for s&!t this year.

   I saw your new boyfriend. So what happened to your standards?

   Guys do a pretty good impression of a meerkat whenever a pretty girl walks into a crowded bar.

   I almost tripped over a Parking stop and a little old lady says "Do you want my cane?" Very funny old lady.

   #OccupySesameStreet 1 bankers' corruption! Ah ah ah! 2 big too fail! Ah ah ah! 3 million foreclosures Ah ah ah!

   Tried to change my password to Twilight but got an error message saying it contains too many useless characters

   Ive been "priming" for Thanksgiving all week and now my underwear has become a tourniquet. Damn I'm dying. They are about to end up in my purse.

   a man is like a tile floor. lay him right and you can walk on him for 30 years

   Would it really hurt to use to FAWKING BLINKER PEOPLE!!!!!

   still rockin the kids table!

   I am thankful I will not be THAT person who decides to post a picture of their Thanksgiving dinner on Facebook.

   Dear New User; Facebook is a revolutionary platform. Don't bring your Twitter tendencies here. Here you are either funny and witty or you go back to Twitter.

   ...Every bankruptcy begins with Kay

   An Airline introduced a Special Package for Businessmen; “BUY YOUR TICKET AND GET ONE FREE FOR YOUR WIFE” After a year of great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking if they enjoyed the free tickets. All of them gave the same reply

   was camped out at Target waiting for Black Friday and got pepper sprayed by police who mistook me for an Occupy Wall Street protester.. :-/

   What the hell do Facebook employees do when they're bored at work? ~phoenix1029

   Pre Gaming for Thanksgiving, no food for the next 24 hours.

   You call it it multiple personalities, I call it social networking in my head.

   I pointed to two old farts sitting across the bar and told my friend "That's us in 10 years". He said "Dude, that's a mirror"

   If I worked in a restaurant and people asked for coke, I would just hand them a rolled up dollar and say "excellent choice there madam"