Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself.

   You remind me of my chinese friend... Ugg-lee

   She got her looks from her mother.....she was a plastic surgeon

   Okay, enough already! We get it, you like to post music from you tube of your favorite band. But that doesn't mean every song!!

   Has that kid in the Dreamworks logo even caught a single fish yet?

   Facebook is great for reminding me why I lost touch with certain people in the first place.

   Getting a lot of nice things said to me lately. I don't believe a word of it.

   If wishes were kisses we'd all have mono. well, until someone wished they didn't....where was I going with this?

   Tonight has been brought to you by WTF?

   Guy at coffee shop just asked for a "croissant" like he's totally a French person. It's like, calm down, dude.

   Blackberry's r like girls, they only work when you touch d right button! iPhones are like men,...1 Touch anywhere & they respond...!! :) :D

   The "Reply All" button should be password protected.

   never play a player, because you wont see you've lost till suddenly you've lost everything

   i don't have moves like Jagger, Jagger's got moves like me ;)

   Happy endings only ever exist if you find a good masseuse. Other than that they are nothing but a fairytale!

   What's the funniest thing in the world?Ten blind guys trying to sit at a table set for eight

   Why do olives come in tall jars?So the Italians will have a place to keep their combs.

   I Drink therefore I'm Hungover

   Best place to pick up women? At the free clinic. You can play a game called "std or checkup?"

   i call my wife the buldozer with a broken rearview mirror. she flattens everything in her path and doesn't see it. she used to be a fun-sponge now she is the fun sham-wow now capable of soaking up 4 times the fun