Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Admit it, Once in your life, you've tried to guess someone's password but failed

   As an ex-construction worker, when I see a "lost" cone on the roadway a little piece of me dies inside.

   It's so cold out that I saw two gangsters with their pants UP

   TICKLING; Is like being raped but you're forced to laugh... And I totally hate it - _ -

   When I bite into a Peppermint Patty..I get the sensation in my nipples and they point due south

   This is one of those times FB needs to tag my location as "in the middle of nowhere".

   I'm not sure what in the hell MW3 stands for but unless it's Margarita Wednesdays for $3 I'm not interested

   I wish I could type my mood into my iPod and it would make a playlist for me.

   I sent a Facebook friend request to the girl who had the party I was at last night. I immediately realized, however, that my new profile picture is of me, smiling and holding the trophy I stole from her house.

   Sometimes you can't tell if you're just in a bad mood or everyone around you is being annoying.

   My six year old nephew told me to peel off my skin because, "They say you look prettier on the inside."

   The illbillies who inhabit the apartment above mine got karaoke machine. It's 1 am and they're singing Achy Breaky Heart.

   I read through my phone, hoping there weren't any drunk texts by me from the night before. Apparently I dirty texted everyone, even my boss.

   clicking her heels......... trying to find her way home.

   R.I.P My 52" Sony T.V !!! You will be missed!!! We had some great times together!!! This Beers for you !!!

   It isn't that I'm not a people person, it's just that I'm not a stupid people person.

   Mr. Sandusky is going to open a new college called Bring em' Young!!

   I will respect any religion you practice as long as you don't knock on my door to tell me about it.

   Taught my boy a lesson today.. When you give your girl a facial, You must wipe off the monitor afterwards.

   Heavy D dies. i'm sure it's a difficult time right now for the two remaining members of Wilson Phillips