Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   face down ass up thats the way i..................................................................................tie my shoes...nasties what were ya thinking?

   It is being reported that Mississippi is considering banning birth control...this should result in a sharp increase in the sheep population.

   into the darkness, I give myself up. For tonight, I drink from the sandman's cup. A slumber's kiss has put me under it's spell and as a result, I bid thee a farewell! Dreams await these tired eyes, for sleep is just a days demise. Once more, I bid thee

   I'm thinking Dr. Murray will probably get a harsher sentence since Michael Jackson was white at the time of his death......just saying

   AMISH DRIVE BY SHOOTING:................."Clip Clop Clip Clop Clip Clop Clip Clop Cop....bang bang bang bang bang bang....Clip Clop Clip Clop Clip clop

   of course you like your new tempur pedic bed. anything is better than the stained, coily, saggy piece of sh*t you had before.

   DQ's new "caramel nut roll" sounds like...ah hell, we all know exactly what it sounds like.

   Conrad Murray convicted of killing a pedophile and we cheer at the verdict?? I bet Dexter Morgan is pleased even tho he didn't get to make a trip to Neverland Ranch!!

   heard there is a new youth football league being formed... It's gonna be called Sandusky League.... Some full contact but mostly two hand touch !!!!

   I just hate it when I flip someone off and then realize I'm still wearing my mittens.

   You can't tell me Occupy Wall Street and the McRib's return are a coincidence.

   #ConradMurray guilty...guess this was the way to take the attention off of MJ being a weirdo with a drug addtction

   The Game Angry Birds... Should really change its name to Angry People!

   Herman Cain's new plan should be the 69, 69, 69 plan...

   Evolution is God's way of issuing upgrades.

   Health nuts are going to feel stupid one day when they are lying in hospitals, dying of nothing

   If your apartment is hit by a dolphin DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OK. That's just how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

   Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you're hot.

   "No I didn't trip. The floor looked like it needed a hug."

   If you can't remember someone's name then, ask them "what was your name again?" Out of instinct, they tel you their first name. Then say "Oh I knew that, I meant your last name!" And boom, you get the full name, and you're not rude. Double score.