Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing makes me more nervous than receiving facebook emails after a weekend of drinking that says "you have been tagged in a photo"

   I don't make typos...I make new words

   not sure what is going on today but I think I released enough "natural gas" to supply my furnace for the winter...

   Holy Sh!t...Did Christina Aguilera get stung by a bee or something

   I wonder if fat drug dealers sell diet Coke.

   Top 100 lies:::#38 No baby, I've never faked it with you.

   No one's home so I'm playing practical jokes on my dog and cat. Man, they are so gullible.

   I bet some of the dumber wolves howl at the sun.

   Sometimes you just have to take a moment to stop and smell the cocaine.

   What did moths fly into before electricity?

   Feed the homeless to the hungry. Two problems solved.

   Now that I am bald now and I know where dandruff on my shoes are coming from

   If the NBA players really were a union they'd start there own league.

   for sale ;;;; one shaky chair...and some rope..

   According to new research, too much sex can cause memory loss. Finally, something that explains my ultra detailed photographic memory.

   I was gonna tell a midget joke.. but I thought that would be kinda low.

   According to new research, too much sex can cause temporary amnesia. Finally, something that explains my photographic memory.

   I was asked to run a marathon & I said "No way". Then I was told it was for Down Syndrom & blind kids & I thought "Fack it. I could win that!"

   Any of you guys got a rope and a shaky chair which I could borrow for a sec?

   When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.