Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well the WD40 worked, the squeek is gone.... But now the guinea pig just lays there lifeless

   If you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go? I'm going to need a quick answer for this....

   I can honestly say I'm 150lbs of pure sexy! Plus 50ish lbs of something soft and squishy

   My girlfriend tried to buy something in the internet yesterday... Anyone know how to get a creditcard out of a disk drive?

   From now on every time I see a "for lease" sign, I will put a "navidad" sign under it

   I can ytpe 300 wrosd pre mnitue.

   im gonna take a hot shower its like a normal shower but with me in it

   I hate it when your girlfriend asks you to hold her handbag, and it doesn't match what you're wearing.

   When girls impersonate guys, they make their voice deeper and add a "stupid" tone to it. When guys impersonate girls, we make our voice go an octave higher and add an attitude.

   with out me awesome would just be awes

   Math tells us of the 3 saddest love stories: Of parallel lines, who were never meant to meet. Of tangent lines, who were together once then parted forever. And of asymptotes, who could only get closer and closer, but never could be together.

   I bet midgets are very busy this time of year... with all of the elf jobs and such...

   TV evangelest Billy Graham was admitted to the hospital yesterday after falling seriously ill. Don't worry though, all he has to do is send himself a couple hundred dollars, and he should be miraculously healed...

   I do not look at porn online. I watch online videos where people are so happy to see each other they make love naked.

   Omg.. Why does Lady Gaga look like a skeleton.. Jesus! Its almost Christmas! B!tch is bout 2 months behind!

   Newt Gingrich says gays can't marry because 'marriage is sacred.' Oh, & every 12 years or so, Newt's needed some new sacred.

   Talk is cheap... Thats why everyone can afford to talk so much sh!t!

   To be is to do (Immanuel Kant). To do is to be (Jean-Paul Sartre). Doo be doo be dooo (Frank Sinatra).

   SOMEBODY'S gotta be the best fu*k in town, and it happens to be me.

   WWII Vet goes up to a Occupy Movement protester and says "When I was your age I was occupying France fighting Nazis"