Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Keep you friends close and your enemies bound and gagged in a basement like Ving Rhames in "Pulp Fiction."

   Cats probably wouldn't need 9 lives if they wore tiny little helmets and didn't smoke cigarettes.

   If I were any more hungry right now, Brad and Angelina would adopt me

   If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.

   I sincerely wish you the best. I just don't want to hear about it.

   Sometimes pissing with morning wood is harder than solving a Rubik's cube.

   I had to perform the Heimlich Maneuver on a friend who forgot to chew his pride before he swallowed it.

   There's something unavoidably attractive about you

   If I wanted your opinion...I'd ask you to fill out the neccesary forms!

   I wonder if I'm the only one who hopes they didn't take Jerry Sandusky's shoe laces away when they booked him into jail.

   If I want your opinion I'll remove the duct tape.

   Whenever someone sasy: "I'm sorry, it's just who I am." What they really mean is: "I am a giant a**hole and have no plans of improving myself as a human."

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I hate rhyming, make me a sandwich.

   Irony…the opposite of wrinkly.

   I made a donation to some guy who solicited me from the Occupy Movement. I mailed it to "Occupant".

   The embarrassing moment when you accept a compliment that wasn't meant for you.

   the sky! ..stop asking

   I'm a member of the C.S.I.: "Can't. Stand. Idiots."

   It's really annoying when people tell you to be yourself, just as you're about to turn into a lamp.

   Where my knickers at? Oh wait, they're just chillin' with my britches