Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance,' with a face like that!

   I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.

   That akward moment when you actually see a chiken crossing the road..

   I'm pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow White's heroin addiction.

   A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually '

   No Matter what you do in life, always give 100%. Unless of course you are donating blood.

   I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

   Dear Climate, Although we're practically 2/3 of the way through Autumn, the predicted high temps for Orlando today are in the mid 80s. Could you do me a small favor and go f**k yourself?

   There's a styling salon down my street called "Blow Bar," and needless to say, I walked in excited thinking it was something else.

   Midget: *walks into library* exuse me,do you have any books on irony? librarian: its on the top shelf!.....

   STARTING a new company, "Skydiving For Pedophiles." Participants must pay in advance. Cash only.

   If you cant take care of a baby, than dont have a baby..

   Do you know why Californians love Thanksgiving Day?...It's the only time of year they get to see natural breast!

   what we mean and mean what we say.. Honesty is the only way!

   My tweets have been squeaky clean today. Like a French woman's cute little petunia after a visit to the bidet!

   Now taking holiday orders for my homemade body butter. Please sign the release form stating that you are not allergic to Krazy Glue.

   The best thing about an ultrasound photo is you can tag any guy you've had sex with in it and he'll think you're pregnant & that's his baby.

   Los Angeles hasn't changed me. I still put on leather pants one leg at a time.

   Not sure why there isn't a Williams sister sitting on my face right now.

   My thoughts are strangers with rides and I keep getting in.