Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't like it when people put an X in X-mas..from now on I'm gonna abbreviate it Christ-X

   To err is hunam.

   If your name is on your shirt, you are considered lower class. If it's on the door where you work you're middle class. If it's on the building, upper class(looks at shirt) Crap!!!

   How many years of college does it take to hold up one of those business signs on the side of the road again?

   Drugs are just emotions that life is too stingy to give you.

   Once upon a time a guy asked a beautiful girl "Will you marry me?" and the girl said "No", and the guy never heard nagging, he drank milk from the carton, kept his apartment AND his favorite pa

   50,000 gather at Rockefeller Center to witness public execution of 74-year old tree.

   Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won't be listening then either.

   Newt Gingrich doesn't just have skeletons in his closet, he has the whole bone army from the 7th Voyage of Sinbad.

   Hey Little Drummer Boy -the Roman Army's hunting us, we're hiding in a barn & the baby's sleeping. Maybe STFU w/the drum.

   If you get offended easily, I suggest you avoid me like a redneck relative.

   Found a fruit roll-up in my pocket this morning. Which means one of my kids has a peach flavored blunt wrap in their lunchbox..

   I swear all my tweets end up in an empty room in brazil.

   The Revolution will not be televised but a podcast seems inevitable.

   I overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Facebook than to her, or at least that's what I think she said to me.

   A man on the street needs 50 cents to get on the bus. I feel bad for him so I give it to him. The guy smiles, walks in to the nearest bottle shop, comes out with a beer and keeps strolling down the street. Well played homeless man..well played.

   Judge your self-worth by how far you can stick your finger up your nose.

   MTV has “My super sweet 16″ and “When I was 17″ what is next? “Officer, I swear she was 18!?”

   I disagree with Kay Jewelers. On any given Friday or Saturday night I'd bet more kisses start with Bud Light than Kay.

   I'm a peaceful man, but even I wanted to knockout whoever was blurring booty shots in the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show.