Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To do List: Grab a random kid by the shoulders and scream. "IM YOU...FROM THE FUTURE!"

   "Baby, baby, baby, OHHH". Dad: Son, are you listening to Justin Bieber? Kid: No, I'm watching porn Dad: Oh, thank GOODNESS!

   I failed my human anatomy exam today. I'm pretty sure it's because I'm blind in one ear though.

   If zombies ever attack just go to costco, they have concrete walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can't get in without a costco membership card

   Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus

   Everyone has a 'vodka incident'

   I am the 0.001% that doesn't cheat in relationships.

   If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

   If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong…

   Dreamt I was forced to eat my way out of a ginger bread house

   I'm having one of those "can't get my inflatable Santa-in-a-helicopter to stick to the roof of my inflatable manger" mornings.

   Welcome to the SATs - your score today may determine which College Loan you'll be paying well into your 40s. Let's begin.

   Just bought a Ken doll. I don't know what everyone's talking about, you can't read books on this thing.

   You're curious as to how Taylor Swifts songs will change when she can legally drink alcohol

   When your girlfriend has Taylor Swift lyrics as her status, you know you're either doing something very right, or something very wrong.

   Nothing screams, 'Pedophile' like having curtains on your van windows.

   Without coffee and alcohol, we'd all hate each other a whole lot more.

   An important fact about women: They just want to b!tch about their problems. They don't want advice on how to fix them.

   We have all imagined walking away from an explosion in slow motion while putting sunglasses on.

   It's better to cross the line and suffer the consequences than to just stare at the line for the rest of your life.