Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Finally with today's paycheck, I've saved up enough cash to get the "gold" package on my '93 Sentra.

   I love it when people I hate get in trouble.

   Single girls give better hugs.

   This chick got a million dollar body with a food stamp face.

   Call it whatever you want... I'm still calling the Hummer H2, "The Douche Bag Container."

   When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.

   I think there is one thing both genders can agree on, neither one want Justin Bieber in their gender.

   a hangover is god's way of saying "you kicked a$$ last night"

   I guess Jesus was the first kid that got to celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas.

   Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?

   Remember, it's not officially a holiday family fight until someone shouts 'we're not fighting, we're DISCUSSING!'

   I think a tampon makes a better vampire than the twilight guy.

   If a polar bear could survive on the Sun, I guess it would be a solar bear.

   God created man in his own image. (minus all the cool powers)

   I schedule my appointments for 9:11 so I never forget.

   Tip: Before asking if someone is pregnant, make sure he's a woman.

   I tried to kill a spider with hairspray. It's still alive but it's hair looks FABULOOOUS

   My mother-in-law is a meteorologist. Well, not a meteorologist, but whatever it is called when you complain about the weather 6 times a day.

   Some people carry a yoga mat, which says a lot about them. I carry a placemat, which says a lot about me.

   In the interest of political correctness, the song will be now called, "Rudolph, the Native American-nosed Reindeer".