Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How come we always hear about what's happening on Wall Street and Main Street. What about what's happening on Sesame Street? People live in trash cans there.

   Nobody likes whorish olive oil.

   People who buy real Christmas Trees the day after Thanksgiving need some serious help...And if you have your tree up already...You should probably seek medical attention..

    Never get on one knee for a girl who won't get on two for you. 

   so much for black friday at a bar

   I'm so exited when X-Factor is on.........I'm sitting here at bar and the wife doesn't even know I'm gone

   if they are cheating, they won't tell you they're cheating. If they aren't cheating, they won't tell you they are cheating. So you'll hear either, “I'm not cheating,” or “I'm not cheating.”

   my thong is trying to get to 5th base

   Making girls who "aren't like that," like that. All Day, Every day.

   My eBay purchasing history can confirm that I'm an alcoholic.

   thinks that without Analytical Geometry, life is pointless.

   'Tis the season to trick myself into thinking going this long without getting laid was actually my New Year's resolution...still single

   Don't judge me unless you can show me your acceptance letter to heaven.

   Don't call people "Ugly" because its offensive. Call them facially challenged, it makes you sound smart

   Happy Bella - •_• Sad Bella - •_• Excited Bella - •_• Angry Bella - •_• Shocked Bella - •_• Confused Bella - •_• - Twilight

   Dear KFC, Why are all the people in your commercials thin? Sincerely, highly suspect.

   If you want her to treat you nice, first you have to treat her right.

   Twilight did to vampires what Brokeback Mountain did to cowboys.

   I am thankful for Facebook for it has made my life as a stalker a whole lot easier. Gone are the days of standing in the dark, in the rain behind some bushes and providing free meal for mosquitoes no to mention restrain orders.

   What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Phillip?