Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was stopped 4 speeding! The officer got out of her car, Said to me"'I been waiting 4u all day''.I replied "Got here as fast as I can". she laugh and let me go!

   mix in some vodka and call it a meal

   If your happy and you know it share your meds, if your happy........

   I realize there are better things in this world than beer...but beer makes up for the fact that I don't have any of them.

   nobody is going to give you a $100 gift card just for liking their business on Facebook. If your that dumb you shouldn't be on the internet to start with.

   life is sooooooo much funnier when you have a dirty mind

   no matter how old you are, if a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.

   Just because it was funny last year, does not make it funny this year for you!

   opening a gym called Resolutions in January. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50

   Ever want to say IDK without sounding stupid? Say this: I hesitate to articulate in fear I may deviate upon the highest degree of accuracy.

   If all her furniture is from Rent-A-Center....she's too hood for you bro!

   I like my women the same way I like my hangover, gone by the time I get out of bed.

   I just seen a video of Miley Cyrus singing "Smells Like Teen Spirit" on YouTube... As if a shotgun to the face wasn't tragic enough for Nirvana.

   Home Alone = Porn at MAX Volume

   A silent fool can pass for a wise man. It's also the Republican Party's best strategy.

   Christmas comes quicker than a teenager during his first dry hump.

   The truth shall set you free. Unless its from an incriminating witnessed then you're screwed!

   Pringles should make their containers like a Push-Pop

   You want your relationship to last? Stop rubbing it into everyone's face.

   Was going to create a group on my FB, but somehow I don't think "Women I want to have sex with" would go over well.