Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ghetto Word of the Day: HARASSMENT. Usage: “My wife caught me sleeping with another woman and I said don't worry honey, harassment nothing to me.”

   still grounded for being awesome

   I don't play "Hard To Get" , I play "It's Never Going To Happen"

   I'm too sexy for my ex.

   I didn't even know Kim Jung was Il.

   Last year I asked Santa to bring me the sexiest person alive for Christmas and I woke up in a box. I guess I should have been more specific.

   How is it that people who think they know everything never know when to STFU?

   Grocery stores need a "1 case of beer" check out line.

   Gift cards are still the best way to say "I'm too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you'll buy drugs if I give you cash."

   I hate when I read this post and and don't realize the word ''and'' was said twice.

   I am at my most evil and manipulative when I think there is a chance I can get you to buy me a hot air balloon.

   Kim Jong II is dead & things aren't looking so hot for his official lookalikes either.

   People who make noises with their chewing gum should be put to death. I just decided.

   We sympathize with, but must reject any articles on how to quickly turn a candy cane into a shiv at stressful family gatherings.

   It's not technically a hip hop show unless at some point, 9 seemingly random guys are invited on stage to waves their hands for no reason.

   I like how none of the "robbers" on that Vonage commercial are black. Way to dodge that bullet, Vonage.

   I really don't see why Conrad Murray is going to prison for what he did. House pulls crap like that all the time

   Count Chocula, the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man and the Teddy Grahams Bear perish in house fire. S'more at eleven.

   Japanese has so many characters, their alphabet soup comes in two separate cans.

   just opened an envelope with one of those 'glittery' Christmas cards inside, it looks like a unicorn just jizzed in my lap