Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Only ten shopping days left before you find yourself buying gift cards from CVS.

   TIME magazine names "The Protester" as PERSON OF THE YEAR. What a joke of a magazine! How about "The Soldier" without whom the protester would have his head cut off.

   "Try the morphine, it's excellent today."

   That one creaky floorboard that blows your cover.

   I'm done being nice and listening to my female friends complain about the men the choose to be with. Either get rid of him or stop venting to me about them! And why I'm at it, don't tell me all the good guys are taken when I am in fact a good guy.

   in a relationship with alchohol....fks me every time..

   When you grow up you get better gifts for being naughty.

   My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It's one part rum, three parts pum.

   If you think high waisted pants look good ur high and wasted.

   Bad News: On a test run last night, Santa was sucked into the engine of a Russian military jet & turned into red mist.

   I'd pay to see the New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys tour if they beat each other bloody with the members of N'Synch.

   I have a thing for girls who have a thing for guys with a thing.

   No clue when this weed I found in my bathroom drawer is from, but based on these intense cravings for an Orange Julius, I'd say 1988 or so.

   The Red Cross camr to my buddies door and asked if he wanted to contribute to the flood in Packastan .. He replied "sure but my garden hose only reaches to the driveway"

   When you say, "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans," all I hear is, "There's a bear out there who knows how to use matches."

   "dora the explorer" it is a cartoon show of a hispanic girl who teaches english speaking children spanish.. I assume so they can communicate with coustomer service if needed..

   Just so we're all clear, "burning rubber" does not mean 2 minutes of safe sex.

   I'm at work and keep hitting ESC on my keyboard, but I'm still here....I think my keyboard is broken!!!!

   If there is a line of GAY people is it still a STRAIGHT line ?

   Don't you hate when you read someone's post that you usually find at least a little chuckle of humor in and not only is there no chuckle, it's not even insightful or clever and it's just entirely too long and the sentence runs on and on yet for some reaso