Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   to all my haterz...I hope you step on a lego.

   Snoop Dog carries an umbrella!!!! Fo Drizzle...

   when someone in a heated argument turns to me and says "You agree with me right?" What they are really asking is "Am I going to have to yell at you like this dumba$$ over here?"

   There's a wild side to every innocent face!

   I miss the days when men dressed like men. Nowadays guys dress in jeans tighter than their girlfriends'.

   You can't change a ho, but you can exchange the ho.

   Shout Out to the dude that's getting beat by the police cuz he took his hands off the hood of the car to Tweet about being pulled over!

   To me the song "Baby its cold outside" will always sound like an attempted abduction.

   Let's face it, if jizz tasted good, none of us would have been born.

   Keeping the list of naughty girls all to yourself? Well played Santa.

   Kids these days, Will never know what it feels like to push a VHS tape into a VCR.

   you never seen a McDonalds or a Burger King under construction...they just show up

   When someone calls me a C**t... I know I've done something right

   Sleeping naked is good. Waking up next to that special someone is even better

   No matter how expensive the perfume a stripper wears, it will never cover up the smell of poor decision making.

   "Dude, she just called you disorganized!" "OH HELL NO, Hold my...oh sh!t were is it!?"

   Alright brain, I don't like you and you don't like me. So just get me through this exam so I can go back to killing you slowly with alcohol.

   FACT: Handicapped parking spaces to handicapped drivers ratio is way too high.

   If I am home alone, there's a 96% chance I'm naked.

   Fact: Women are the leading cause of herpes. How do I know? It isn't called "HISpes" is it?