Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   50,000 gather at Rockefeller Center to witness public execution of 74-year old tree.

   Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won't be listening then either.

   Newt Gingrich doesn't just have skeletons in his closet, he has the whole bone army from the 7th Voyage of Sinbad.

   Hey Little Drummer Boy -the Roman Army's hunting us, we're hiding in a barn & the baby's sleeping. Maybe STFU w/the drum.

   If you get offended easily, I suggest you avoid me like a redneck relative.

   Found a fruit roll-up in my pocket this morning. Which means one of my kids has a peach flavored blunt wrap in their lunchbox..

   I swear all my tweets end up in an empty room in brazil.

   The Revolution will not be televised but a podcast seems inevitable.

   I overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Facebook than to her, or at least that's what I think she said to me.

   A man on the street needs 50 cents to get on the bus. I feel bad for him so I give it to him. The guy smiles, walks in to the nearest bottle shop, comes out with a beer and keeps strolling down the street. Well played homeless man..well played.

   Judge your self-worth by how far you can stick your finger up your nose.

   MTV has “My super sweet 16″ and “When I was 17″ what is next? “Officer, I swear she was 18!?”

   I disagree with Kay Jewelers. On any given Friday or Saturday night I'd bet more kisses start with Bud Light than Kay.

   I'm a peaceful man, but even I wanted to knockout whoever was blurring booty shots in the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show.

   While Lebron is playing for the East, his mom was riding the West.

   I was calm, until you told me to calm down.

   Santa knocked on my door yelling "Ho, Ho, Ho!" and I told him that your girlfriend doesn't live here.

   I mustache you a question. Nevermind, I'll shave it for later

   Some people just need a sympathetic pat... on the head... with a hammer.

   We all have a "friend" we don't even like..