Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you smile in Wal Mart and you have teeth everyone will think you're fancy.

   TEACHER: what is the opposite of laughing? STUDENT: fu*king... TEACHER: why is that? STUDENT: well laughing is Ha Ha Ha and fu*king is Ah Ah Ah ....

   look people It's spelled B-E-F-O-R-E, not B4... we speak English, not bingo

   Santa I was not naughty, I was merely thinking outside the box!!

   If a fat man in a red suit comes and grabs you and stuffs you into a bag, dont worry. He just read my wish list. :)

   What did one ocean say to the other ocean?...Nothing they just waved...Do you SEA what I did there?...I'm SHORE you did, BEACH.

   Wow! Only seven more shopping days until it's Christmas! I wish that I could afford to buy each and every one of you a very expensive, extravagant gift! I wouldn't, but do I just wish I could afford to, if I wanted.

   Sure it looks like an innocent candy cane now, but give me 5-7 minutes and it'll be a dagger I can take out my enemies with.

   Life is a comedy for those who think, a tragedy for those who feel, and a pie eating contest for me.

   I've never actually seen anyone using a laptop on top of their lap.

   Being single is great! Except for the paying for everything yourself part.

   I dropped my laptop in the ocean, So now theres a dell rolling in the deep.

   To get back at the boss for no Christmas bonus, my goal is to rub my balls on everything in his office by New Years. Luckily I started in June.

   After refreshing for hours, I just realized that this might be the new layout..

   RIP Slim Dunkin...Thank God it was not the Doughnut!!!

   Your outlook determines your outcome!

   The republican party... I'm sorry I thought we were telling jokes

   Christmas shopping for your parents isnt easy. I mean, what DO you buy someone who has the perfect gift. Like me, for example

   Imagine if you had the Facebook Master account for one day

   If you dont like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree...