Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tired of being single? Go sleep on the couch for a night and remember what it feels like to be in a relationship. 

   If you had to guess how many times I've visited your Facebook profile what would you say?

   I've always wanted to know what was Victoria's secret…

   Make love, not war. Hell do both, get married.

   Dear mom and dad, please stop telling me not to play with my food. You spent 3 years making airplane noises with it.

   Student driver signs are like putting a dunce hat on your car.

   (`-`) (._.) ('-' ) (._.) ( '-' ) (' -'), Oh excuse me! Just looking for a F*ck to give.

   God looked at Adam when Eve fell into the ocean and asked: "How am I gonna get that smell out of those fish??"

   What do Amish people and homeless people have in common? They can't read this.

   now when you go to a restaurant & say "im so hungry I could eat a horse" it might actually be on the menu

   I say we consolidate all ska bands into one giant ska band, unless that's what happened already.

   I'd like to put a big red bow on the coffin of the guy who came up with those Lexus ads.

   When you enter a relationship, it's as if you sign a contract that says, “I give you 70% of my feelings. I acknowledge that you can play with them, make them feel good, and I also acknowledge that you can freaking destroy them.”

   at the DMV....I guess there on the honor system...I'm 3 inches taller and I just lost 65lb's.

   Now appearing on center stage..the sweet...the delicious...miss Candy Cane.

   I promise to avoid all cliches like the plague.

   Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4,000 F'in Muslims tried to ad me as a friend!

   I can see you need a bikini wax from here.

   I guess people "check in" anywhere huh??? surprised I haven't seen anyone check into their girlfriends vag!na

   The one good thing I experienced about eating at In & Out Burger is it helped get rid of that gum I swallowed several years ago.