Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Exit Facebook, close laptop, get into bed, look at phone, check Facebook…  

   Your breath smells so bad, I don't know whether to give you a tic tac or toilet paper…

   Never trust a woman who takes pictures from the neck up.

   V@gina jokes are not funny at all. Period.

   On the 5th day of Christmas? Christmas is ONE day. Convert to Judaism if you need a longer holiday.

   The next Mission Impossible movie should be two hours of Tom Cruise trying not to jump onto a couch after drinking seven Red Bulls.

   I like people how I like my coffee... I don't like coffee

   a dyslexic man walks into a bra

   Roses are red, Violets are blue, I have a gun, get in the van.

   What's green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.

   Your Girlfriend's not listening to you? There's a slap for that.

   I always wonder why atheists don't spend as much questioning satan's existence.

   I am well-armed for the war on Christmas: Ground-to-air mistletoe, check. Pecan clusterbombs, check. Canister of peppermint spray, check.

   You can always count on mom's to gasp in horror when you're about to hit a car that's 300 yards away.

   Just drunk enough to compose.. Just sober enough to backspace.

   Can any Chicago Bears ffans out there hook me up with an eight ball?

   Christopher Hitchens the brilliant journalist, author & famed atheist has died. If he's in Heaven now I bet Jesus is looking pretty smug.

   They discovered bed bugs can procreate with their siblings. This is not the image boost bed bugs needed.

   If I could live in any time period, it would have to be a mix of the 50s and the 80s and the future. So, Back to the Future Pt 2, basically.

   Turns out they'll sell a wizard hat to just anybody!