Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How do you keep a blonde occupied for a few hours? Tell her to count the stairs on an escalator.

   That akward moment when you don't really like your crush. You like the imaginary version of them which you created in your head.

   If you smile in a Walmart and you have teeth everyone will think you're fancy.

   Sure I'll quit Facebook. Just as soon as someone teaches my 'real life' friends to be as funny and cool as my 'fake' Facebook friends!

   At the end of job interviews I always ask, "On a scale of 8-10, how amazing was I?"

   The world's oldest profession? Unemployment.

   I would take a bullet for my wife, unless it was fired out of a gun.

   How do I politely tell a new guy at work that “I do the jokes around here”?

   Google "do a barrel roll" (look at the screen while typing)

   If your lawyer has a ponytail or a cowboy hat, you're a$$ is going to jail.

   =+(:) <--- stewie griffin

   In 1911, Dracula fed himself 16 year old virgin girls' blood. He died of hunger in 2011.

   2011: Every day I'm shuffling. 1836: Each and every riseth of the sun I will be moving thy feet in a whimsical manner.

   That special feeling of joy when a baby grabs your finger with their whole hand.

   In the ghetto they have roaches answering doors for them.

   I wonder what Jesus said when Judas "Unfollowed" Him?

   You are so SMART with your words , but so DUMB with your actions .

   I am never satisfied, there is always room for improvement. That applies to sex too.

   My life has changed for the better ever since I decided to let God take care of my problems and Karma take care of my enemies.

   Good people die because they don't deserve to suffer here on earth so God takes them to a better place.