Funny Status Messages and Tweets

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   when my wife isn't home, i'm the head of the household and what I say goes!!!

   I hate ants but I love fire= Not a good combination for the ants.>:D

   the moment of horror when you are in a public restroom, your pee goes in 3 differant directions and you piss on your pant leg.

   the moment of horror after talking to a gorgeous woman, when you go to the men's room and spot a visible booger hanging out of your nose.

   You laugh because you think it's a joke. I laugh because you think I'm joking.

   while running full speed, that moment between life and death when someone pushes you past your speed limit

   so.... I'm writing a book about my sexual exploits....Okay....a booklet....FINE....a sticky note then....Whatever....

   <----- threw a crate of Milk Duds all over the floor at a Weight Watchers meeting last night....It was the best game of "Hungry Hungry Hippos" I ever saw!

   Why is it there's always "that guy" wearing a jersey to a NFL game when his team is not playing there?!?!?

   I realized Santa wasn't real; when my toys had "Made in China" on them.

   The look on people's faces while waiting at a bus stop is the same look children make when they can't have any candy.

   Got my favorite Christmas movie, A Christmas Story, from my in-laws for my birthday. I was shocked that the DVD version is abbreviated to 90 minutes. I always thought it was 24 hours.

   trying to flick a booger is quite possibly one of the most frustrating tasks ever.....think you flicked it? think again, it's now on the back of your pinky like magic.

   Got a copy of The Christmas Story today...I was surprised they edited the DVD down to 96 minutes...I always enjoyed the 24 hour version of the movie

   batteries go dead in the t.v remote, take every toy in your childs room apart to find AA's.

   lazy rule: if you can't reach it, you don't need it. if you do need it, scream HELP!! HELP!! someone will eventually show up.

   TO DO LIST: 1:Buy a flat screen TV. 2:Hang it on the wall. 3:Watch 'The Ring' & see that b!tch fall when she crawls out from my TV.

   I don't need a fortune-teller. I already know how i'm gonna die thanks to all those Chain letters

   I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance by dropping my car insurance and not having car insurance.