Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you want rant and rave go elsewhere, this is for funny material... or I'll hold you down and fart in your mouth.

   Today, my mother commented "loser" on my Facebook profile picture. She got 41 likes.

   Today, I heard someone calling my name. It was my neighbor. Turns out they named their dogs after my mother, my sister and me.

   Flip a coin. Heads I get tail, tails I get head.

   My computer asks "Delete cookies?" Cookie Monster pounds on my door, shouting, "NOOOO! KEEP COOKIES!"

   "On a scale of 1-100 how immature are you?" "69"

   I used to play sports. Then I realised you can buy trophies.. Now I am good at everything.

   Why no one ever pick Santa, or elves, or reindeers as a school's mascot? "Let's go Santa, Let's GO!"

   santa has to be the greatest criminal ever...a million cases of breaking & entering...the police everywhere know where he lives but he knows how to buy everyone of them off with gifts

   This status contains no juice.

   Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better About downloading music off the internet.

   If it's true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that's fat, ugly and stupid.

   Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color?

   I'm no terrorist, but I have blown up my underwear a time or two...

   There has been only one Christmas – the rest are anniversaries.

   "1..2..3.. SMILE!"...... "Did you take it yet?" "Damn, it's on video!"

   Wouldn't be nice to see if there is an alien on a far away planet that acts exactly like you do.

   When people say to me, "I don't have time", I ask them then why are you still alive.

   Just drank warm orange juice after I had brushed my teeth, and now reciting "Jabberwocky" in Spanish is my only means of communication.

   Watch out, I'm in just the mood to steal someone's armadillo today.