Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i just saved a bunch of money on Christmas by getting my daughters batteries with toys not included for Christmas this year.

   Why are you all so upset about Dr Pepper For Men? I mean, Subaru makes cars just for lesbians!

   If you include your kid's high GPA score in your Christmas letter grandma will be proud but everyone else hates you.

   1993 called, they want their jokes back.

   Sex is like pancakes ... God I love Pancakes !!

   When I die, I'd like someone to keep updating my Facebook status just to freak people out… “hey, who knew they had wi-fi up here?”

   My son is dyslexic and terrified about getting paid a visit from Satan in a few days

   The guys who ask a woman if they can kiss her are the same rookies who wear socks during sex.

   I've just found out men don't need prostate exams till at least 40..........I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.....

   Single Women - When you get your Facebook 'Timeline' take a long hard look at it, and you'll see WHY you are STILL single.

   There is something definitely wrong with a grown ass 30 year old woman crashing and obsessing on Chris Brown. Grow up!

   let's be real; Boris Kodjoe doesn't drive a Ford, Blake Griffin doesn't drive a Kia and J-Lo doesn't drive a Fiat. What is this? The "This is the car I would drive if I was broke" ad season?

   The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

   I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.

   Jingle Bells always gives me a warm feeling inside. She works Tuesday nights at the Lusty Leopard.

   I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

   A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

   "Polishing the Menorah" is not a euphemism for what Uncle Irv is doing in the bathroom.

   The best reply when someone texts you,"K." : Well Potassium to you too, you b@stard.

   Happy winter solstice, Northern Hemisphere! And happy whatever it is to you, Australia. Easter? 2009? Seriously, no clue.