Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   any computer someone may have used to purchase you a gift. Tip 2: If you purchase gifts online, DELETE YOUR BROWSING HISTORY. That concludes today's lesson and tips.

   I always chase joggers with my car to motivate them. It's a thankless job....

   Help free the reindeer from sleighvery.

   You know who I can't stand? Flo from Progressive and Jared from Subway. I wish they'd hook up, then drive off a cliff while choking on a five dollar footlong.

   Its called Facebook people.. Not Show your body (that you still clearly need to work on) book!

   Someone should come up with a cell phone charger extention cord.

   "Do you like water?" 'Yes" "Nice, you already like 61.8% of me"

   I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there's a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...

   Soooo basically "twitter" is basically Myspace 2.0?!

   That sh1tty moment when ur CapriSun doesn't have a straw.

   People say when I dance, it looks like I'm looking for my keys.

   The best part of waking up........................is going back to sleep!

   You know it's cold out when you see a hitch hiker with his hands in his pockets, and a big thumb on his shirt.

   My 10yr old daughter says I'm nosey! Well........that's what she said in her diary.

   What's a blazing Yule log? Is it a combination of too much egg nog and zesty jalapeno dip?

   finally got a new coffee maker this morning... actually... its just a new employee at Starbucks.

   I know I can't be the only one here hitting these ads by mistake trying to go to the next page.

   Finally with today's paycheck, I've saved up enough cash to get the "gold" package on my '93 Sentra.

   I love it when people I hate get in trouble.

   Single girls give better hugs.