Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it's written in english.

   Whoever says laughter is the best medicine obviously never heard of a great joke while suffering diarrhoea

   swearing to myself at an elderly lady driving really slow. I guess someone heard me because within seconds bird crap landed on my windshield. Won't happen again, big guy

   If at first you don't succeed, Google it, and see if someone else screwed it up the way you did.

   it took me 8 months to teach thee tubby one to say row

   I dropped my laptop in the ocean, now there is A dell rolling in the deep :)

   If you are not at the table, you are probably on the menu.

   BBC News: "Man critical after Specsavers car park crash." He should have gone to . . . Oh

   If men stopped holding doors open for them, would ladies just pile up outside?

   Your Christmas present will be all the more meaningful to me if you had to pepper spray someone in order to get it.

   Nothing that Facebook changes will ever keep me from stalking you.

   I smashed open my piggy bank earlier. I've got just about enough in it to buy a new piggy bank.

   Ladies: you know your eyebrows are bad when you go to a funeral looking real happy.

   The bra section. The only place in the world where you fail if you get an A.

   Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? I pulled up next to this chick in the car putting on mascara and it just didnt look right with those yellow teeth!

   If at fist you don't succeed, Google it, and see if someone else screwed it up the way you did.

   Life is a b!tch, and Monday's its son..

   Right now your holding your phone in your right hand, having your 3 fingers behind, your pinky on the bottom & scrolling down with your thumb! :)

   RUMORS are carried by HATERS, spread by FOOLS and accepted by IDIOTS.

   Dear God, its me again. If you are not busy making rich people richer, can I have a minute of your time please?