Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I haven't received a gift from you yet. Can you send the tracking number?

   Nothing gets me more in the holiday spirit than the sound of sirens approaching.

   Quick, how do you wrap a broom?

   guess I have got to that stage in life where I am either too old for presents or my family has converted to hinduism in my abscense :(

   Any room can be a Panic Room if you run out of alcohol.

   If you were a ten year-old boy, what would you want most from Bath and Body Works?

   Like Johnny Cash, I walk the line. Mine's the one between "total slob" and "extreme hoarder."

   I hate the smell of Walmart when I walk in. It smells like old beer and subway. Merry Christmas everyone!

   true friends tell you when you have a boogie chillin

   "I'm not like most girls." ~ Most girls

   Just found a calendar in the kitchen, it ends in eight days. Were all doomed.

   There are times when strangers are like family, and family are like strangers.

   Freudian slip; Where you say one thing, but mean your mother.

   Dear Santa, I'm writing to let you know that I've been naughty... and it was worth it. You fat, judgmental b@stard.

   Today on Maury! Joseph was engaged to Mary, then learned she's pregnant! You won't BELIEVE who she says the Baby Daddy is! Tune in for results.

   The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

   Well Santa has started his Journey and is now in Australia. I hope he is careful over Iran. Last thing we need is to have him shot down and used as the latest Iranian Spy drone..

   wrapping my girlfriends present, but I tell ya I'm not comfortable with tape near my puibs...

   You can tell whether or not your relationship is going to last by simply watching her eat a Popsicle.

   How did I end up on the naughty list? I sold my soul to Santa as a kid for better toys. Too bad I'm dyslexic.