Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Turned my brain off for the weekend and now I can't stop coming up with ideas for Adam Sandler movies.

   I spend way too much time figuring out how I'm gonna get drunk.

   Relationships nowadays: First month, I love you baby! Second month, we are forever! Third month, Single.

   Don't you hate it when a chocolate chip blocks the straw of your Starbucks coffee and you realize that you have no real problems?

   I once had a life … then some idiot came and told me to make a Facebook!

   I have several McDonald's plastic food trays, because once you've snorted a bunch of coke off of one, you feel guilty about putting it back.

   My Holiday Lights Tour starts in 10 mins. Free booze and spraypaint. No cops! Seriously, if you're a cop you have to say so.

   Whenever I hear a car alarm I'm like "Oh no! How can I help that person whose car is in distress? By rubbing poo on their door handle?"

   The bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range

   whenever I say the word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

   wth I go on google to see the eclipse .. I type in moon and get a bunch of as$ pics

   I used to think that the 2 separate things that irritated me most in life were: 1) Stupid People and 2) Traffic. That was until I witnessed stupid people driving in traffic, then it's HYSTERIA.

   I thought I'd join the neighbor hood watch but my neighbors aren't that attractive..

   Ever see one sneaker in the road? How does this happen? Does a jogger get home look down at their feet and say "Not again...lost another one"

   When cats and dogs finally rise up against us, the first thing they'll do is strap Santa hats to our heads and take pictures.

   One of my favorite things to do in my spare time is sneak into fancy restaurants and switch everyone's freshly brewed coffee with instant.

   This time of year when I order a Frosty at Wendy's I like to say "Not the snowman of course hahaha" and then things get a bit awkward.

   FYI: In the hip-hop community he's known as Li'l Drummer Boy.

   Did you know if you go into google search and type in "askew" the page will shift to the right? Go try it!

   Have you ever looked at your best friend and asked, "How the f*** are we not comedians?"