Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Studies indicate that most of the damage can be reversed in about 15 years, if you want to let your babies start smoking now.

   If an athlete's photographed with a bong it's an embarrassment; if he's photographed with a beer it's an endorsement.

   If you turn on tennis and shut your eyes it sounds like a porno

   If your bf/gf is deliberately hiding his/her phone from you, your relationship is over. Sorry.

   I bet if you're a stripper, you have panic dreams where you show up in a public place, fully clothed, and you just can't seem to get naked.

   My girlfriend is pissed at me because she said that I never something something and that she has something somethings too.

   I hope the handcuffs I just found in my apartment are mine.

   Morning. Cold again outside but I don't mind cos it makes it more Christmasy. And yes that is a word.

   Saying "Let's hit up dunkin donuts" makes you fat.

   Mmmmm, Thanksgiving leftovers for breakfast. Babe, can you pour more gravy on the green meat please?

   If I ever send you LOL, you should know I prolly faked it! :P

   How's your Pagan/christian-Inspired, Secular Winter, Gift-giving, Observance Day shopping going?

   Still waiting to here those ghost stories they talk about in the Christmas song It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

   I was on a plane today. The stewardess said, "would you like some headphones?" I said, "sure, but how did you know my name was Phones?"

   ♪ ♫ Rolling In The Deep ♫ ♪ ~ Me in my basement rolling a joint.

   If a guy treats you like a princess, he was obviously raised by a queen. If he treats you like crap, well..he was raised by someone along the lines of michael vick.

   The three stages of a relationship: 1. xoxo, 2. xxx & 3. ex

   If the happy in love couples are called "love birds" the miserable fighting couples should be called "angry birds"

   Dear whoever is reading this, you're beautiful and someone out there is crazy about you. So smile. Life is too short to be unhappy.

   A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.