Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 4156 of 6453

business must be getting better. I noticed on my last check the government gave itself a raise....
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12-23-2011 05:02
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I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
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12-23-2011 04:57
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You know it's time to break-up when the little things start to piss you off: "Damn girl, do you HAVE to close your eyes every time you blink? F*ck this sh!t, I'M OUT!!"
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12-23-2011 04:46
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According to a new survey, 40% of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60% already live here..
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12-23-2011 04:44
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saw a nun in a wheelchair and all I could think.. Virgin Mobile.
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12-23-2011 04:41
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Fellas: Always look for girls that arrive to the bar in a cab, they're the ones that are planning on getting wasted and wild that night.
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12-23-2011 04:40
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Alcohol is not the answer. IT JUST MAKES YOU forget the question.
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12-23-2011 04:37
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If Prince Charming should show up, tell him I'll be at the bar waiting.
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12-23-2011 04:33
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You remind me of my big toe.. Why?..cause I'm going to end up banging you on my coffee table...
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12-23-2011 04:30
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you know, even black out drunk I can always remember where I should of stopped drinking.

I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching... my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.

I love photos because they never change EVEN when the person in it changes.
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12-23-2011 04:18
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Do slutty girls say, "that what I said" jokes?
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12-23-2011 04:15
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I was drunk when I had my picture taken for my drivers license. That way, when the police pulls me over, I don't have to worry.

Don't be upset that your dreams didn't come true, just be glad your nightmares didn't.
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12-23-2011 03:56
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Wiping makeup off of your shoes after a long day of kicking sluts in the face.
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12-23-2011 03:53
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every year, I realize how stupid I was the year before.
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12-23-2011 03:52
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Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew.

Sick of spilling alcohol on your clothes? Drink naked....you'll end up that way eventually
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12-23-2011 03:49 by teapot
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Hey I found your nose, it was in my business again..