Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.

   I think there is one thing both genders can agree on, neither one want Justin Bieber in their gender.

   a hangover is god's way of saying "you kicked a$$ last night"

   I guess Jesus was the first kid that got to celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas.

   Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?

   Remember, it's not officially a holiday family fight until someone shouts 'we're not fighting, we're DISCUSSING!'

   I think a tampon makes a better vampire than the twilight guy.

   If a polar bear could survive on the Sun, I guess it would be a solar bear.

   God created man in his own image. (minus all the cool powers)

   I schedule my appointments for 9:11 so I never forget.

   Tip: Before asking if someone is pregnant, make sure he's a woman.

   I tried to kill a spider with hairspray. It's still alive but it's hair looks FABULOOOUS

   My mother-in-law is a meteorologist. Well, not a meteorologist, but whatever it is called when you complain about the weather 6 times a day.

   Some people carry a yoga mat, which says a lot about them. I carry a placemat, which says a lot about me.

   In the interest of political correctness, the song will be now called, "Rudolph, the Native American-nosed Reindeer".

   Web site security. I change my passwords regularly right after I forget them.

   Ladies, the next time a guy has the courage to talk to you, remember he's not wearing makeup. Also, remember what you look like without it.

   Man found dead in chicken coop. Fowl play suspected.

   When I grocery shop for the wife I always buy cucumbers smaller than me, just in case.

   I can ignore you so hard you will begin to doubt your own existence.