Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you know why Beyonce sings "to the left, to the left"... because women have no rights. LOL

   I need new haters. The old ones are starting to like me.

   I never drink coffee at work mainly because it keeps me awake and alert.

   I just saw a commercial with Joan Rivers. Could her real face have been anywhere near as bad as that clown mask she had welded to the front of her head?

   When you post pictures of yourself flaunting money, I am forced to think you're not used to having it.

   If you put your kid's GPA in your Christmas card's the grandparents might be proud of them but everyone else is gonna think YOU'RE a di<k!

   The love of money is a root of all KINDS of evil (1 Timothy 6:10)

   money is the root of all evil I thought But when I'm broke is usually when I have the evilest thoughts.

   My famly takes monopoly very serious. Everyone brings their own calculator cuz we dont trust any Bankers since the bailout!

   The average life expectancy of a reindeer is 8-10 years. I think it's probably safe to quit singing about Rudolph.

   had a meal in a Chinese restaurant and got a fortune cookie that said "be not afraid to walk through the door of opportunity " so I left without paying

   Bought my son an iPad, my daughter an iPod. The wife got me an iPhone and I got her an iRon. She wasn't overjoyed even after I explained that it can be integrated with the iWash, iCook, iClean network. This activated the iNag software update

   Sometimes, no matter how much faith we have, we lose people. But you never forget them. And sometimes, it's those memories that give us the strength to go on.

   So listen, here's the deal; If I wanna hear about god or religion I'll go to church, otherwise I am only here on Facebook to flirt and hopefully get laid.

   Carefully vet all stories regarding the holiday. We don't need another "children dressing as Count Hanukkah the vampire" debacle this year.

   For Christmas I'm asking Santa for a great big sense of entitlement that can only be filled with materialism! - earth kids.

   You know you have a lot of tattoos when you can win an ugly Christmas sweater contest by going shirtless.

   So here's the deal... If I wanna hear about god or religion I'll go to church... So, if I delete you... You know why, Just a heads up....

   Some people are like clouds. Once they f*ck off, it's a beautiful day.

   Before Twitter, how would I have known my soulmate was a 53 yr old man pretending to be a 28 yr old woman outside Milwaukee?