Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you did not see it with your own eyes, or hear it with your own ears, don't invent it with your small mind and share it with your big mouth.

   .4 music videos, 3 photo tags, 2 pokin' friends & a girlfriend who won't stop creeping meeee.

   On the 12th Day of Christmas Facebook gave to me,... 12 people I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 bad status updates, 9 Farmville requests, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites,... Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeensssss, ...4 m

   You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout, I'm telling you why: you're 11 years old and you have an iPhone, you little sh!t.

   The only thing worse than finding ants in your pants is finding Jerry Sandusky in them.

   Hip Hop in the 90s was more simple. You always knew you could find all the party people in the house.

   Holding grudges gets you no where in life but it does prove how stuck in the past you are.

   Just saw a huge spider while I was getting out of the shower. So I pulled down the shower curtain rod & pole vaulted over it into the hallway.

   It's pretty funny to strap a Christmas tree to the roof of your car, light it on fire, and drive around like nothing's wrong.

   Nothing good ever comes from getting involved with the girl who can play pool incredibly well when she's drunk.

   Whats the socially acceptable waiting period before you can feel free to fart in the presence of your new lover?

   Had a good scare tonight, thought I was experiencing tunnel vision,. Until I looked in the rear view mirror and I realized was wearing my hoodie... "whew"

   I'm not saying movies are getting watered down these days, but The Bourne Constipation was just plain awful...

   Yes, Christmas comes but once a year. So does every other day! February 29th, now theres a day to celebrate!

   4 game requests, 3 photo tags, 2 friends-a-pokin & a creep who won't stop inboxing meeee ♪ ♫ ♩♩ ♬

   ♪ ♫ ♩♩ ♬ On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 dudes I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeensssss,

   I'm relying on future medical breakthroughs to undo the repercussions of my present unhealthy habits.

   Divorce is expensive because its worth it.

   I'd rather have a sister that's a hooker than have a brother who owns a ford

   Men are born between a woman's legs and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in between them, because there's no place like home.