Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   During sex you burn as many calories as running 8kms. Who the f*ck runs 8kms in 30 seconds?!

   I bet that Innkeeper in Bethlehem really regretted that whole “no room” thing.

   Ever notice that our President's initials are B.O. makes sense because he stinks

   This just in... Casey Anthony just got ran over by a reindeer, walking home from the stripclub Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas everyone!

   I can't decide whether to have another beer or just take all these sleeping pills.

   Merry Christmas (I'm not showing off but I bet I get that trending all day today)

   Now I am sitting here drinking beer with the other grownups and chiming in when I can. It's going okay.

   Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn't listening to begin with.

   Holiday family gatherings are stressful because you're forced to face the short genetic distance between you and a completely insane person.

   You say toilet, I say Christmas beer vomit receptacle.

   If judging others is a sin, Santa must be going to hell.

   I'm dreaming of a liberal Christmas, where nothing is paid for, I always sit on the couch with my hand out, waiting for the people with jobs to pay me more.

   .Merry Christmas to most,and to a select few of you may santa flush his $hitter over your chimney!

   The kids are nestled all snug in their bed, while Stanley's wifes on her knees giving him.. a foot massage!!

   Hey, I'm your friend, I'm two-faced, and I wouldn't mind backstabbing you one day...because that's what all of the friends do am I right...

   Hm, the light changed green but we're not moving. Sure hope an idiot didn't slip through the cracks somehow and obtain a license!

   "There must have been some magic in that old silk hat they found" is a very nonchalant way to react to a snowman coming to life.

   I haven't received a gift from you yet. Can you send the tracking number?

   Nothing gets me more in the holiday spirit than the sound of sirens approaching.

   Quick, how do you wrap a broom?