Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   let's be real; Boris Kodjoe doesn't drive a Ford, Blake Griffin doesn't drive a Kia and J-Lo doesn't drive a Fiat. What is this? The "This is the car I would drive if I was broke" ad season?

   The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

   I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.

   Jingle Bells always gives me a warm feeling inside. She works Tuesday nights at the Lusty Leopard.

   I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

   A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

   "Polishing the Menorah" is not a euphemism for what Uncle Irv is doing in the bathroom.

   The best reply when someone texts you,"K." : Well Potassium to you too, you b@stard.

   Happy winter solstice, Northern Hemisphere! And happy whatever it is to you, Australia. Easter? 2009? Seriously, no clue.

   Girl in new relationship: I HAVE THE GREATEST MAN EVER! HE'S WONDERFUL! A week later...after she catches him cheating: THAT NO GOOD &*(^! I'LL NEVER TALK TO HIM AGAIN! Next day: I HAVE THE GREATEST MAN EVER! HE'S WONDERFUL!

   If you go through life without giving a "F" then you are only living a Li[ ]e.

   Given today's gas prices, Ludacris should consider finding hoeZ in the same area code.

   Attention!!! Christmas has been canceled this year!!! I told Santa that I had been good. He died laughing...

   I wrap the first few presents Martha Stewart style but towards the end they take on a drunk Helen Keller style.

   Nothing pisses me off more than going through a Drive-Thru with someone who says they don't want anything, then they start to eat your fries

   Cleaning the house while the kids are home is like shoveling snow while it's still snowing.

   its beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

   Walking with 3 people on the sidewalk, and ending up in the back behind them.

   Just saw a man using a pay phone! In his defense, he seemed to be hallucinating and thought he was fighting a puma.

   Are we still saving whales? My basement is getting pretty full.