Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't be upset that your dreams didn't come true, just be glad your nightmares didn't.

   Wiping makeup off of your shoes after a long day of kicking sluts in the face.

   every year, I realize how stupid I was the year before.

   Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew.

   Sick of spilling alcohol on your clothes? Drink naked....you'll end up that way eventually

   Hey I found your nose, it was in my business again..

   very suspicious. didn't x-mas heppen about this time last year?

   Nothing brings two people closer than the hatred of a third person.

   Sometimes you have to hurt someone's feelings just to let them understand how it felt when they hurt yours.

   Who really has nothing but socks in their sock drawer?

   It really sucked having to waddle across the room to get a fresh roll of toilet paper with my pants around my ankles......and I don't think the shoppers at Target were very happy about it either!

   Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

   4 hours and 59 minutes ago I took a 5 Hour Energy shot, so these are my final words as an energetic man. It was fun while it lasted.

   I got my drug dealer $200 for Christmas and he got me a big bag of weed.

   Fringe benefits??? And all these years i've been going around like a moron saying "French Benefits"...

   For christmas I bought my girlfriend a treadmill and a Victoria's Secret catalogue.

   America has just created a new missle called the "Civil Servant." It can't be fired and doesnt work.

   Harrison Ford is a quarter Jew .NOT TOO SHABBYY!!

   White Parent: “you embarrassed your family for fighting at school!” Black Parent “Who won?”

   If all the good ones are taken does that make me bad cause I'm single...lol