Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   And thus begins the 11-month unemployment season for handbell choirs.

   Subway is like prostitution. You pay a stranger to do your wife's job .

   No updates this morning. Cant find anything worth stealing from anywhere...

   You people that are all cleaned up with the tree out of the house need to stop showing off. The rest of us are drowning in cardboard boxes and pine needles.

   My family is from so far out in the country that my mammy doesn't know she is free. No one will tell her b/c her cornbread off the hook.

   Golfing today and noticed a Partridge under a Pine Tree. Stupid bird ruined the song.

   Being single and screaming out "SINGLE & LOVING IT!" Yeah don't do that...you don't have a choice

   Can someone tell me where I can return these 12 Drummers Drumming without a receipt? I'm not trying to form an Allman Brothers tribute band for Chrissake.

   If Crazy was contagious,...you'd definetely catch it at my house.

   I always thought my dad was great when I was growing up, he always got so pissed off every year when santa didnt bring me presents. I felt so lucky to be his son.

   Good new and bad news. Bad news: No good news. Good news: No bad news.

   Does anyone know where I can return 10 Lords a Leaping without a gift receipt?

   So its the day after christmas. boxing day for some; discount shopping to others; toilet blow out day for all who stuff the sh*t out of there bellys at that family member house! Good luck and hang in there.

   My flyswatter is such a buzz kill

   Sometimes when I wanna be really romantic........ I light a candle when I masturbate

   All dressed in my jammies and ready for bed, gonna give my sheets some ass and my pillows some head!! nighty night!!

   I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.

   Dear bed, I know that I left you this morning, but I love you. Take me back?

   Last night when I was drunk I asked my cat if it could talk, it replied! "Me? How?"

   Christmas is a good time to realize that not all your family are relatives, and not all your relatives are family.