Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone is FAKE one way or another. Whether it's their hair, their ascent, their boobs, their Gucci bag, their personality, or their smile.

   Supreme Court rules no Nativity scene in DC!!! The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States Capital this Christmas season.

   Don't allow your hurt to transform you into someone you are not.

   Time for my weekly game of let's-see-how-long-I-can-drive-with-my-gas-light-on

   The closest I've gotten to murder is holding cookies under the milk until the bubbles stopped.

   Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours

   If something cool happens and you don't share it on Facebook, did it actually happen?

   Maybe you should start eating your makeup that way you will look better on the inside too

   Hey guys, girls can be funny too. Like when they say stuff like "Let's just be friends." or "Let me go and I won't tell the cops.”

   Time's Person of the Year is The Protester. So, Merv the Perv who protests in front of the abortion clinic every day is Person of the Year. SMH

   Only ten shopping days left before you find yourself buying gift cards from CVS.

   TIME magazine names "The Protester" as PERSON OF THE YEAR. What a joke of a magazine! How about "The Soldier" without whom the protester would have his head cut off.

   "Try the morphine, it's excellent today."

   That one creaky floorboard that blows your cover.

   I'm done being nice and listening to my female friends complain about the men the choose to be with. Either get rid of him or stop venting to me about them! And why I'm at it, don't tell me all the good guys are taken when I am in fact a good guy.

   in a relationship with alchohol....fks me every time..

   When you grow up you get better gifts for being naughty.

   My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It's one part rum, three parts pum.

   If you think high waisted pants look good ur high and wasted.

   Bad News: On a test run last night, Santa was sucked into the engine of a Russian military jet & turned into red mist.