Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So this book said to be a lesbian I need to lick carpet. For the last hour I have been laying on my floor licking my carpet and I feel no different.

   It's so nice having my family around for the holidays. It really makes me appreciate their absence the rest of the year.

   I Can Only Play The Hand [♠][♥][♦][♣] That GOD Has Delt Me -

   that money can't buy you happiness, but it sure can buy you beers to drink in the shower.

   To all my friends with short attention spans,

   glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by both men as well as women.

   playing a fun drinking game. Every time somebody says "you can't drink alcohol in the office" I have to down a shot.

   Did anyone ever tell those kids how to get to sesame street?

   admits that the Nazis were terrible, but look on the bright side: At least we got some awesome Indiana Jones movies out of it.

   undefeated at BattleShip. Mostly because I stack my ships on top of one another.

   Out with the Old, in with the New.......not you Honey.....I meant the year.....had enough of 2011......:)

   Girls need to start looking for guys who have goals, ambitions, and an education because 10 years from now "swag" isn't going to pay the bills.

   I remember the days when all my "good stuff" fit in a Sucrets box.

   I'm at Muppet labs with Dr Honeydew and Beaker trying to come up with a cure for dance fever. It's going well, although we've accidentally blown up Beaker 3 times. He's such a trooper.

   Find a girl you hate on Facebook. Go through all her summer photos and comment LOL on all the ones of her in a bikini. So fun. Not illegal.

   Gold Digger - like a hooker, only smarter.

   doing something weird and thinking, this is why I'm not in a relationship.

   I'm pretty sure the best thing about Facebook is the ability to read other people's fights.

   Don't feel to high & mighty about yourself sweetheart, cause at the end of the day, your still like a penny ` two faced & worthless.

   This dude working at Subway is looking at me like he's never had anybody ask him to put some Government Cheese on a sub sandwich before.