Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mediocre people do mediocre things.

   Swallow my babies so I know your love is real.

   I'm gonna get "Shake well before drinking" tattooed on my pen!s.

   What I love most about my ex is that she is someone else's problem now.

   Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.

   I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.

   I hate those jerks who claim, "If you don't vote, don't complain". That's like going to a restaurant, and the only two items on the menu are s**t and vomit, yet it's my fault the place failed because I didn't order either one.

   Hi My name is Miggz, I enjoy counting money and dancing when there is no music playing

   Admit it, you love them so you Facebook stalk them. You over think your status updates in case they read them & you look @ all their photos several times a day.

   Newt Gingrich is the Republican front runner? I wouldn't bother getting those moving boxes just yet, Barack.

   When I am home alone and I hear a noise, I freeze and listen.

   There should be some sort of device that instantly makes my bed less comfortable when my alarm goes off in the morning.

   I've just bought a 3D Kindle. Or a book as I like to call it.

   Fellas: If you're playing with your X-Box all day, she'll break up with you and some dude will be playing with your ex's box all night.

   "I like your hair." "thanks, I grew it myself."

   ''It's because I'm Black isnt it?!'' ''Dude... You're White...'' ''Oh, so now its because I'm white? I see how it is..

   I need audio of crickets chirping on my phone so I can play after someone I don't like says a bad joke.

   Time magazine named "protestors" as people of the year. Here's an idea for the Ass bags at Time. If you want to honor a group of people, how about the members of Seal Team Six!!!!!

   If you invite a girl over to "watch a movie" and actually watch a movie, you're a failure as a man.

   Me: "Can we have Up Dog for dinner?" Mom: "What is up dog?" Me: "nothin just chilling