Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Eve doomed the entire human race for an apple, I wonder what she would do for a Klondike bar?

   A toast Gentlemen, To girlfriends and wives. May they never meet

   My girlfriend has this sick sexual fetish of trying to cuddle with me after sex.

   I am sorry I didn't recognize you back there. The last time I saw you, you had only one chin.

   Funny new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Bob.

   Liquor stores are open 24/7 when you have a brick.

   If you're not into casual sex, I can put on a bow tie and we'll call it formal sex.

   If you can't take a joke, don't walk around looking like one.

   The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock against the wall in the morning is the fact that it's also my cellphone.

   Tim Hortons needs one of those highway construction signs for the drive thru, expect delays

   I have no respect for people who eat pizza with a fork.

   I call dibs on his armored train for Christmas!

   Sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage.

   If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn't a balloon

   Dear Wal-Mart! After 8 p.m. Please QUIT PUTTING the SLOWEST,OLDEST people behind the Speedy Check Out!

   It's shame Kim Jong I'll never got to start his rap career, in which his stage name would have been 'K.Jong Da Illest'

   You are my GOOGLE. You have everything I am searching for.

   RIP Kim Jong-il. I loved you on Community and those Hangover movies.

   Studying for a class sucks, but, not nearly as hard as failing that class

   Doing nothing all day feels great, realizing you did nothing all day, not so great.