Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please don't start calling me 'hero' but this lady collapsed at the grocery store and I was the first one to call for a clean up in Aisle 3.

   So far, my resolution to teach the dog Tai Chi is much more difficult than you would think.

   All grocery store bathrooms are required by law to look like the set of one of the "Saw" movies.

   If you are one, 'stop being a procrastinator' should take precedence over all other resolutions. Starting tomorrow.

   I'm starting to think I'll never be old enough to know better.

   Katy Perry kissed a guy that looks like a girl and apparently didn't like it.

   You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there's a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.

   I think all Walmart bathrooms are required by law to look like the set of one of the "Saw" movies.

   Doesn't seem like a good sign that I asked for a to-go box at this Mexican restaurant, and they brought me a casket.

   The only people who still leave voicemail messages are bill collectors and moms.

   The awkard moment when you realize Valentines day is approaching fast and the only one who loves you is your pet..

   FACT: Hairy women like rough sex!

   If I had $100 for everytime I read something funny on your Facebook page, I would still be broke.

   The first step toward drinking is admitting you're not drunk.

   Every business has its busy season. The gyms are now bracing for their two-week onslaught of door crashers.

   Ladies: You texted him but he hasn't texted back? Don't be too quick to assume he is ignoring you, instead assume he was obviously so excited to get your text message that he fainted.

   Nothing says “Good Morning… I Love You!” like morning sex.

   Morning sex means, “I love making love to you so much that your dragon breath doesn't even phase me.

   An Irishman walks out of a bar... No, really, he walks out.

   Stretch before sex: every year 11,000 Americans are injured trying tricky sexual positions.