Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I'll never know.

   During 2011, I was always drunk, crude, rude and flirtatious; just want you know that in 2012 you can expect exactly the same behavior.

   Did you know, if on a full moon if you light a candle and say the name of someone you love 3 times, you'll look stupid doing that?

   You don't have a drinking problem; people without arms have a drinking problem.

   If my doctor ever tells me I'm not healthy enough for sexual activity, at least I'll know how I'm going to die.

   I hate when fat people say, “You couldn't walk a mile in my shoes”, I am like, “Look here Fatty, you couldn't walk a mile in your own shoes either.”

   Did you ever blow bubbles as a kid?... Well he's back in town

   Dude, she called you short! "Oh Hell No! Lift me up!"

   Finding yourself overwhelmed with office paperwork? Use it to roll the biggest joint ever.

   You sounded funny to your followers until I blocked you.

   You gotta hump a few clunkers before you can fondle a ferrari.

   A noise just came from my closet. I'm really hoping it's the Boogeyman and not R Kelly.

   When a chick says we need to talk, you might as well start punching yourself in the balls.

   What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye patch,,,,,,,,,NAMES

   Some people say I'm random. But who cares, chocolate is amazing.

   Women go shopping at the mall, Men go shopping on Facebook.

   Your mama's glasses are so thick that when she looks at a map she can see people waving.

   Q. What's the differance between a French girl and a sea lion? A. One has a mustaches and stinks of fish and the other live's in the sea.

   Being single sucks.....especially when all 3 of your roommates date moaners...

   I took up for you today, someone told me that you eat sh!t sandwiches. I said they was wrong because you dont eat bread.