Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With our lousy credit rating, next time we wanna buy a tank, Canada is gonna have to cosign.

   We don't have a chimney but I've assured my children that Santa and anyone else could easily sneak into our home at night.

   The life expectancy of reindeer is 8-10 years. We can stop singing about Rudolph now.

   Don't lie, cheat or steal. The government hates competition.

   Math questions are so freaking stupid! Like for example “If I had 30 chocolate bars and I eat 29, what do I have?” Hmmm…. I dunno… Diabetes maybe???

   Just held the door open for an old Asian man. He said “sank you!” He better not be referring to Pearl Harbor…!

   At a wedding reception someone yelled: "All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living…" The bartender was crushed to death…

   Not all the men are in the relationships for sex. Some just want a good sandwich and a blow job…

   I bought a pack of condoms and the cashier asked me, "Do you need a bag?" I replied, "No she isn't that ugly."

   On a scale of 1 to Spongebob how ready are you?

   Why do women continue to buy men gifts when the 2 best gifts are free. Blow Jobs and Silence

   Went from being “in relationship” to being “single.” Modern Warfare 3 claims its first victim!

   Your ass must be super jealous of all of the sh*t coming out of your mouth…

   Girls if you ever hear from a man “Alcohol has been created so that ugly girls could have sex too…” proudly respond “Money has been created so that the ugly men can have sex too…”

   I'm not for everyone. That's okay. Everyone isn't for me either.

   To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girlfriends.

   Microwave: (noun) A hand gesture used by a midget to say hello.

   I want to be the one you fall for, when everyone else is falling for you.

   If you call me and I don't answer, it's exactly what you think. I ignored your call.

   You know when doctors leave the room they are just checking Web MD right?