Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Day After Christmas Diet: Breakfast: Leftover lasagne Lunch: Leftover lasagne Dinner: Leftover lasagne Dessert: Leftover lasagne Beverage: Pureed leftover lasagne

   When my 2-year-old announces that she used the potty, everyone's so proud. I seem to get the completely opposite reaction.

   And thus begins the 11-month unemployment season for handbell choirs.

   Call me old-fashioned but I think the best part about Christmas is having your fist inside a 28-pound flightless bird.

   I don't t take my Christmas Tree down...I smoke it.

   I was pulled over by a woman cop this morning. Never knew kitchens had speed limits.

   Anybody else have a turkey hangover?

   I'm not saying you're easy, but when I look up something to do in your town it gives me your address.

   There's nothing more awkward then asking "who is this" when getting a heartfelt holiday text.

   I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.

   Whenever there's an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"

   I don't know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.

   You can wake up someone who is asleep but you can't wake up someone who is pretending to be asleep

   Dear Ticker...seriously I dont wanna know each click of my friends ........what's this!!!

   running around the house with a wrapping paper tube saying “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

   when you get gifts, people say "its the thought that counts"...my cousin got me deodorant...does she think I smell bad?

   364 shopping days left

   Why is santas sack so big? Because he only comes once a year..

   I think I've had enough of the Christmas Spirit. The room is starting to spin...

   Death is like transferring schools. You hate to say goodbye to the precious people here, but after you move, you will meet some great people on the other side.