Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Of course I have life goals...they just have NHL level goalies blocking them.

   I believe that I am the only one that gets that Walmart buggy with the deformed wheel.

   Just a quick post, to wish you all a merry politically-correct non-denominational 'Winterfest'-type holiday, and a happy Gregorian calendar reset.

   The plot in 16 Candles wouldn't work now because Facebook would remind everyone it was Molly Ringwald's birthday.

   Christmas Eve. As we they in San Francisco: May the corpulent bearded homo sapien in the scarlet suit smile upon your chosen shrubbery.

   I may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I am everyone's great big bag of weed when they come home for the holidays.

   Christmas and St. Paddy's Day are the busy season for midgets.

   As a kid, did you ever see Santa claw himself down the chimney and make fun of your pyjamas? My shrink claims it never happened!

   Today on Maury! Joseph was engaged to Mary-then learned she's pregnant! You won't BELIEVE who she says the Baby Daddy is!

   I just hung a stocking by my chimney but instead of using "care" I hung it with total disregard for human safety.

   I never realized how easily I bruise until I played Angry Birds with the sound on around other people.

   My New Year's Resolution, like always, will be to avoid a unicorn herd attack. I have a good feeling 2012 will be the year.

   You should appreciate my sacrasm, if I told you the truth it would be a HUGE blow to your self esteem.

   Dec 24th , Christmas Eve , the most exciting day of the year no matter how old you are .......

   If you want rant and rave go elsewhere, this is for funny material... or I'll hold you down and fart in your mouth.

   Today, my mother commented "loser" on my Facebook profile picture. She got 41 likes.

   Today, I heard someone calling my name. It was my neighbor. Turns out they named their dogs after my mother, my sister and me.

   Flip a coin. Heads I get tail, tails I get head.

   My computer asks "Delete cookies?" Cookie Monster pounds on my door, shouting, "NOOOO! KEEP COOKIES!"

   "On a scale of 1-100 how immature are you?" "69"