Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are a few people I know whose birth certificates should be considered an apology letter to the world!

   Single.. because my ex was such a loser..

   There's no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.

   The more I hear about other people's relationship drama, the happier I am that I'm single. :

   The brawl at the Mall of America says more about our country than any five history books ever could.

   Just remember, while you're lying to, disrespecting and making your girl cry, there's a man out there waiting to hold her, dry her tears and treat her right...

   SWEPT the room with a glance...That's my idea of housework!

   I hate when I'm sitting on bleachers and Half my nutsack falls asleep!WTF

   Mini skirts don't work on maxi butts.

   Starting next summer, I will be offering FREE GRASS CLIPPINGS to anyone who wants them. Great for compost or mulch, available weekly. You cut, you rake.

   Every trip to Wal-Mart results in me seeing an equal number of people I THOUGHT were dead and I WISH were dead.

   enjoys long, romantic walks to my fridge!

   Always tell your girlfriend the truth...the carefully edited truth.

   Love means never having to say anything because you're both looking at your smart phones.

   Ladies: If your boyfriend is bathing more than once a week...he may be cheating on you!

   The most patriotic thing I've done this year is not watch American Idol.

   You can get away with a lot more in a song than you can get away with on a mic in front of the House of Representatives.

   Your beauty is so rare, no one can find it.

   Dryer lint sure does smell a lot better than it tastes.

   Let's name things we're grateful for. I'll start: Skin.