Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 4081 of 6447

Common sense is so rare, it should almost be classified as a superpower!
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01-11-2012 20:38
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Just told a cardboard box to "p!ss up a rope," so that's where I'm at as a person today.

I received a string of blank texts from an unknown number. When I asked who it was, I got a list of every place I've been over the last three days. I'm scared to leave the house.
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01-11-2012 18:56 by BEGO
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the last time a tiger got a beating like that, was by a little blonde with a golf club!!! Roll Tide!!
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01-11-2012 18:50 by mudfiter
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I know New Year's Eve is long past, but I still like to kiss strangers at the stroke of midnight each night. The key is to not wake them.
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01-11-2012 18:42 by BENDER
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The future was so much cooler in the past.
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01-11-2012 18:17 by K-Mac
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why is it when you go to a restaurant their radio is never playing the song "ding, fries are done" from family guy?...seems like a catchy tune for a restaurant
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01-11-2012 18:10 by Eddy
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I have a theory that the world will end in 5105, and we've been reading the Mayan calendar upside down
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01-11-2012 18:04 by snotty
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If the world doesn't end on Dec 21 2012....I have a feeling that there will be alot of babies born on Sept 20th 2013!!
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01-11-2012 18:02 by urboyblue
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The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
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01-11-2012 17:49 by snotty
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The last time I saw a Tiger get beat that bad it was by a blonde swinging a golf club!
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01-11-2012 17:46
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My new favorite way to flip people off is to put my middle finger to my forehead and say, "Look, I'm a Unicorn!" Yup. I'm that mature.
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01-11-2012 16:31 by Donna
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i just shot gunned a 22 ounce beer and followed it up with pedialyte... now my stomach hurts

mad as hell my toaster oven burned my toast again....I must be Black-toast intolerant.
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01-11-2012 16:12
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A wise man once said "_____". Fill in the blanks when you find a wise man.
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01-11-2012 15:46
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To the guy that just passed me with a "General Lee" car on his trailer, I HATE YOU!

Seventh Day Adventists...What you're telling me is the very next day after God rested...he came up with the Gregorian calendar?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
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01-11-2012 15:09
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Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio.
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01-11-2012 15:08
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Just farted in CVS. I basically can't be tamed.