Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I see a fly on a plane, I'm amazed by the wisdom of that choice.

   Making mental notes with a pen isn't very smart. I've got ink on my forehead now.

   The closest I've come to Tebowing was that time I fell asleep on the toilet at work.

   I'm following my dreams because I tried reality and that didn't work out so well.

   Tebow is now the most famous white bronco since OJ's truck.

   Todays goal: Do not post status upda......DAMN IT!

   Being at my job is just like being a stuntman...I get stabbed in the back, thrown under the bus and pushed over the edge daily. But without the hazzard pay.

   parties after Jesus died must've been pretty lame for the rest of his disciples ..

   I do what I wanna do, in living color.

   Seriously...Beyonce gave birth by C-section? With those hips, that would be the equivalent of Moses pulling the plug to cross the Red Sea!

   Just got Cowboys vs Aliens from Netfl*x in the mail, you should have seen the disappointment on my face when I found out it wasn't about Illegal immigration in AZ

   I'd go out more if I could bring my dog, b0ng, couch, and blanket with me.

   I had a headache so I took a pill that gave me chest pains, dry mouth, restless leg syndrome & explosive diarrhea. But hey, headache's gone.

   It's so rude when people talk at the movies while you're on the phone!

   I like to scare deaf people by yawning at them.

   Why do I have to take medication to stop me from slapping people who should be on medication?

   Yes, I talk to myself...Yes, I answer myself and Yes, I argue with myself....and the makeup sex is awesome.

   A girl on Facebook posted about how she sprained her toe, and I didn't comment on how I hope it wasn't her camel toe, because I'm an adult. I sent it in a pvt message ;~)

   The most inappropriate time to tell someone they have the "Moves Like Jagger" is during a seizure.

   Bumperstickers are a great way to let people know you're a moron.