Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   1st grader: I need something to drink. College graduate: I N33|) 50m37h1nG t0 dr1nKz

   This Friday the 13th instead of Jason popping out of nowhere to kill us, Jennifer Hudson will sing about how much weight shes lost until we commit suicide.

   I like how woman pretend they don't know they have a huge camel toe. You know you want us to stare at it.

   "What did he say?" "Who is she?" "What just happened?" (Repeat 30 times and you just watched a movie with my mom)

   If you even suspect someone has been stung by a jellyfish -don't ask- just pee on them. You might save a life.

   Our new dog is going to be the *best* watchdog if a vacuum cleaner ever breaks into the house.

   thought about being a gynecologist...i hear there's plenty of openings

   Go french kiss a power outlet.

   karma (noun) –when you use all the toilet paper without replacing it and you're the next person to use the restroom.

   Has anyone told you how fuckalicious you look today?

   Whenever I get angry, I calm myself down by repeating these 5 words over and over again, “Bartender, Give Me A Double”

   Even with all your flaws the right person is still going to think that the sun shines out of your ass.

   Auto correct can go straight to He'll.

   Dear Internet Users, Someday, you're going to regret not reading me... Sincerely, Terms & Conditions.

   On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

   I will no longer respect Marine Biologists, if they don't name the new shark species, "Gary Busey"

   My girlfriend told me that she has bronchitis. I wish I had a dinosaur.

   Sh!t happens. Just flush the toilet and move on...!

   Im the guys she marrys, your the guy she only loves in a handicapped bathroom.

   HOSTESS has filled for Bankruptcy Protection !!! What is this world coming too? The Good News is the Twinkies will Outlast us all. I think the shelf life is um, Forever.