Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when you get gifts, people say "its the thought that counts"...my cousin got me deodorant...does she think I smell bad?

   364 shopping days left

   Why is santas sack so big? Because he only comes once a year..

   I think I've had enough of the Christmas Spirit. The room is starting to spin...

   Death is like transferring schools. You hate to say goodbye to the precious people here, but after you move, you will meet some great people on the other side.

   I'd like to see the tambourine make a roaring comeback into modern music.

   You can take off the sexy elf costume now....Steve.

   I got a Shake Weight for Christmas. I'm going to try strapping it to my pen!s.

   Take a moment to remember all the Elves that got laid off this holiday season.

   I gave myself an obscene amount of vodka. I'm so thoughtful.

   I wonder what would happen if I burn the tip of this branch on my Christmas tree? WHOOOOFFF

   I just want a Christmas like we used to have with all of us together pretending we're enjoying it.

   Christmas - when loved ones visit to celebrate someone born in a barn but complain that your sofabed's uncomfortable.

   Merry Christmas! Or as my grandma always says, "there are whispers coming from the poinsettia again."

   For Christmas I gave myself an obscene amount of vodka. I'm so thoughtful.

   having to grocery shop at Walgreens because everything else is closed :(

   Like if the T Mobile commercial gets your attention because you thought you heard "Walking in an Orgy Wonderland"!! Gets me every time!!

   Some people can't sleep because they suffer from insomnia. I can't sleep because I have an internet connection.

   so in the nativity scene...would Paris Hilton play the Virgin Mary or the cow?

   the only reason I enjoy Christmas is because it is the one time of the year that my habit of sitting in front of a dead tree, eating chocolates out of my socks, whilst waiting for a strange fat man to enter my house, is considered a normal event!