Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guys, don't put a smiley face in your texts to other guys. It's like wiping standing up. You learned it wrong.

   Just did that thing where you dump an entire pot of spaghetti on your head and start crying.

   My daddy didn't come to my play in 2nd grade so now I do MMA.

   Thanks, Phillips Colon Health Lady, for proving there's no need for a healthy diet if we can just eat crap & take a pill.

   Use yes and no once Are you gay?:________ .. Are you lying?:________

   DOUCHEBAG: "Bro can I use your phone to call my girlfriend?" ME: "Yeah sure, just hit redial."

   Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you

   If I didn't ask for your opinion, don't think i'm going to care what you have to say.

   First big snow fall of the season and the TV news is acting like the terrorism threat levels just moved up a spot or two.

   Tebow? And are you in love with him? Cuz you sure talk about him alot...

   I wounder if other birds look at pigeons in the same way that we look at homeless crackheads

   They say, “keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” The problem is, nowadays you can't tell them apart.

   My head says, “Go to the gym.” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”!

   I love how these photoshop models think they have "fans." Let's be realistic. Most of those people are not your fans, they just want to get you in bed.

   I hate it when I go to a convenience store and buy something with a nice clean neat bill and they give you change with crumpled up bills that look like they came out of a coal miners pocket !

   "For the last time woman, it's an ACTION figure!!!"

   And I am not just another Brick in the Wall !!

   I just clicked to go to games and got this message from Facebook; The server found your request confusing and isn't sure how to proceed.

   My girlfriend yelled at me yesterday, "That's why we always fight...because you only hear what you want to hear!" "Thank you," I replied, "I HAVE been working out."

   Brady had 3 ring by the time tebow was 16