Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bought a bag of air that contained some chips

   No, it's not OK to call him "tardy", but if he does it again it's OK to call him a "re-tard".

   We now live in a time where people choose their insurance providers based on who's TV commercial is funnier

   I never banng a blakc chikk, not 'cause I'm rasis it's just that I'm more of a "run my fingers through her hair" kinda guy.

   Worked out for an hour. Ate two brownies. Somehow I am able to justify this because its Friday...

   What if birds are just out of control napkins.

   Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government

   Someone stole my wife identity and her credit score went up. Even they couldn't spend that much.

   feeling more lazy than the fuy who invented the japanese flag

   If a mentally challenged kid is late for class, is it ok to call him tardy

   We now live in a culture where ppl choose their insurance providers based on who has the most comedic TV commercials.

   If I seem disinterested it's only because I'm a terrible actor.

   Paula Deen selling Diabetes Drugs is like Courtney Love selling methadone.

   Wait a minute. I'm supposed to believe God is on the side of the quarterback NOT married to Gisele?

   u wrote me a note and it said "n ss!w !" ...it didnt make sense till I turned it upside down!! (",)

   .I just changed the name of my wireless network to....♫ ♪ Pretty Fly for a Wi-Fi ♪ ♫

   Scientists have found that women share the same dna as prawns.. Their heads are full of sh*t but their pink bits taste amazing!!

   If you were to lose your left arm your right one would be left.

   When gas stations start charging for air--that's inflation

   feeling more lazy that the guy who invented the Flamethrower "I wanna set that on fire way over there, but I dont wanna get up"