Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If you don't cut your hair with a Flowbee, you are probably too high maintenance for me.
←Rate | 01-15-2012 19:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Im not fat at all, I just enjoy washing dishes in my belly button
←Rate | 01-15-2012 19:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Anybody ever notice Mr. Crabs and Popeye have the same laugh?
←Rate | 01-15-2012 19:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Kids don't like meatloaf…but add some candles kids love meat cake….
←Rate | 01-15-2012 18:27 by @gnarleycharley Comments (0)  


   messageicon watcing the Canadian Curling Championships on ESPH-EH.
←Rate | 01-15-2012 18:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Went over to my hippie neighbor's house and asked for a pot holder, and he came out with a sandwich bag. Note to self: New best friend
←Rate | 01-15-2012 17:11 by fadolo Comments (0)  


   messageicon What food decreases a women's sex drive faster than anything else? Wedding cake
←Rate | 01-15-2012 16:56 by fadolo Comments (0)  


   messageicon It would be easier to keep my New Year's resolution to accept and forgive people if they'd stop being the same jacka$$es they were last year.
←Rate | 01-15-2012 16:54 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  


   messageicon too much TV this morning and now I can't decide whether I want to rescue a dog for $19 a month or save a child for $15 a month...WTF
←Rate | 01-15-2012 16:48 by bradley Comments (0)  


   messageicon I spend so much time with the Internet that it could be considered online dating.
←Rate | 01-15-2012 16:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Roses are red Violets are blue Porn hub is downYour mums Facebook will do..
←Rate | 01-15-2012 15:00 by ALL-STAR-KARLOS, PSN Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm going to admit myself into the Hokey-Pokey Institute and turn my life around.
←Rate | 01-15-2012 14:57 by K-Mac Comments (0)  


   messageicon I was on a plane today. The stewardess said, "would you like some headphones?" I said, "ooo yes please, but how did you know my name was Phones?"
←Rate | 01-15-2012 14:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon GOVERNMENT ADVICE When travelling in extreme weather conditions everyone to take with them, a bottle of water, some energy bars, a shovel, a hazard light and a blanket. I looked a right twat on the train this morning.
←Rate | 01-15-2012 14:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just back from holiday in Thailand and l came so close to shagging a ladyboy. Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady! It was when she drove me to her place and reversed her car into a space first time l thought hang on!
←Rate | 01-15-2012 14:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My missus said "get some of those tablets that help you get an erection", should have seen her face when I tossed her the slimming pills!
←Rate | 01-15-2012 14:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In honor of Dr. Martin Luther King I will be marching 12 miles to work today in the middle of the street....
←Rate | 01-15-2012 14:11 by jitney Comments (0)  


   messageicon I once denied a friend request from the most interesting man in the world.
←Rate | 01-15-2012 13:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What if random erections are actually ninja handjobs?
←Rate | 01-15-2012 13:35 by KISSTOPHER Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you prefer a particular brand of bottled water, you should be sent away to a special camp.
←Rate | 01-15-2012 13:06 Comments (0)  




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