Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Last New Year's, people promised me that 2011 would be MY year. Those people are liars and are no longer my life coaches/psychics.

   The fact that Mitt Romney has a son named Matt Romney kinda makes you hope for 3 more sons named Mett Mott & Mutt.

   Dr. Drew, we're here because we love you, and we're concerned about your addiction to putting addicts on TV.

   Piercing your lip is a good way to tell the world you let people pee on you in exchange for meth.

   My new year resolution is 1024×768 pixels.

   As far as I'm concerned, every Coldplay song is called "Nasal Rain."

   Morning check list 1. find a red solo cup 2.Let's have a party!

   Why do ppl say the new year I'll change, things will better, I'm doing this or that, make resolutions...why do they wait till a new year has begun...you have the ability to change your life any day or month of the year...New Year, big deal....

   Ever notice that the douchebag who says "See you next year!" on New Years Eve is always someone you wouldn't mind not seeing for the entire year?.......

   wondering why you never see, "My resolution is to eat more fried foods, drink every day, oh!!! And take up smoking too!!!

   No heterosexual man should text another man more than 5 times in 1 day unless its about money.

   I dont talk to strangers, but I will stare and judge like I know them. Thanks for that skill grandma

   I hope my New Year's Resolution to only say nice things about people isn't misinterpreted as a vow of silence.

   Global warming sucks but I'm kind of looking forward to riding a jet ski to work every day.

   Russel Brand files for divorce from Katy Perry... I wonder if she kissed a girl and he didnt like it.

   I always keep a backup in case these hos wanna act up!

   A snake is a snake, no matter how many times it sheds its skin!

   "Most of my friends are guys" means you have a line of dudes who are clandestinely trying to bone you.

   If you got me an Ed Hardy shirt for Christmas, don't worry about a gift receipt...I'll get more X-mas joy out of burning it.

   HAPPY NEW BEER!!!