Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 4063 of 6443

If you don't cut your hair with a Flowbee, you are probably too high maintenance for me.
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01-15-2012 19:39
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Im not fat at all, I just enjoy washing dishes in my belly button
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01-15-2012 19:31
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Anybody ever notice Mr. Crabs and Popeye have the same laugh?
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01-15-2012 19:19
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Kids don't like meatloaf…but add some candles kids love meat cake….

watcing the Canadian Curling Championships on ESPH-EH.
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01-15-2012 18:05
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Went over to my hippie neighbor's house and asked for a pot holder, and he came out with a sandwich bag. Note to self: New best friend
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01-15-2012 17:11 by fadolo
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What food decreases a women's sex drive faster than anything else? Wedding cake
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01-15-2012 16:56 by fadolo
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It would be easier to keep my New Year's resolution to accept and forgive people if they'd stop being the same jacka$$es they were last year.

too much TV this morning and now I can't decide whether I want to rescue a dog for $19 a month or save a child for $15 a month...WTF
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01-15-2012 16:48 by bradley
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I spend so much time with the Internet that it could be considered online dating.
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01-15-2012 16:02
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Roses are red Violets are blue Porn hub is downYour mums Facebook will do..

I'm going to admit myself into the Hokey-Pokey Institute and turn my life around.
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01-15-2012 14:57 by K-Mac
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I was on a plane today. The stewardess said, "would you like some headphones?" I said, "ooo yes please, but how did you know my name was Phones?"
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01-15-2012 14:47
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GOVERNMENT ADVICE When travelling in extreme weather conditions everyone to take with them, a bottle of water, some energy bars, a shovel, a hazard light and a blanket. I looked a right twat on the train this morning.
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01-15-2012 14:46
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Just back from holiday in Thailand and l came so close to shagging a ladyboy. Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady! It was when she drove me to her place and reversed her car into a space first time l thought hang on!
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01-15-2012 14:33
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My missus said "get some of those tablets that help you get an erection", should have seen her face when I tossed her the slimming pills!
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01-15-2012 14:29
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In honor of Dr. Martin Luther King I will be marching 12 miles to work today in the middle of the street....
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01-15-2012 14:11 by jitney
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I once denied a friend request from the most interesting man in the world.
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01-15-2012 13:40
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What if random erections are actually ninja handjobs?

If you prefer a particular brand of bottled water, you should be sent away to a special camp.
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01-15-2012 13:06
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