Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My parents told me: “You've got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.

   Me without you is LIKE Facebook without friends, Youtube without videos, Movie without music and Google with no results.

   I was blinded by your beauty so I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.

   "Remember to be rule a forward pass, the pass has to move forward." - Phil Simms

   Congratulations to Jay-z and Beyonce on the birth of their baby. She won't have to work a day in her life, they should call her Lay-Z

   Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

   Today, I had the greatest Sunday dinner ever. I can't begin to define the level of greatness that this meal possessed. It was so great, I can't actually tell you you how truly great it was. I had Frosted Flakes.

   Hoes Love buying Sharpies so they can draw on their eyebrows like this (^_^) (~_~) (`_`) ("_") (-_-) (/_\) (-_=) (~_^) (-_~) (*_~)

   When you think your having a bad day remember you could be Amish.

   If a ex-wife is laying in your bed, gasping for air and calling out your name, then you might want to hold the pillow down some more.

   Somepeople were born to be other people's cheerleaders and praise singers.

   Kim Kardashian is back on the black Market.

   its how funny how you can tell some people cant spell. "they speak into the phone"

   My good deed: Saw this homeless guy sign today, I was compelled by what I saw and immediately went to Walgreens to buy him a new poster and markers.....No one should have a sign that bad.

   I don't want a relationship where people say "They look so cute together." I want one where they say, "Look how happy they are together."

   I use to prefer the girls that adored it when we made a romantic mix tape together. Now I prefer the ones that find it romantic when we use a mix of duct tape together.

   It took Harry Potter 7 damn long books to catch the bad guy. When it only takes Scooby-Doo 25 minutes

   Been doing the Shake Weight thing all morning. Think I may go buy one now...

   Quick- does anyone know where I can get one of those undercover cop cars? This is important.

   I don't understand why there's still murder now that you can watch naked chubby women tickle each other whenever you want on your computer.