Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway

   I think my middle fingers have had too much caffeine… they have been up all Morning

   I am just one step away from being very rich. All I need now is a lot of Money!

   Dear Modern Warfare 3, Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity. Sincerely, Parents Everywhere

   Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

   Mr. Kotter, Please excuse Juan from class today because he is dead. Signed: Epstein's Mom. R.I.P. Robert Hedges.

   I'm watching this dude walk down the street dressed as a woman, pushing a pitbull in a baby stroller. Either he's on drugs or I am.

   Taco Bell is human Drano

   I bet girls on facebook with the duck faces look for men that make a lot of bread.

   I wonder if Ronald McDonald sadistically cackles as he bludgeons innocent chickens and uses clown magic to turn them into nuggets.

   I have a suspicious package.

   If You need me, I'll call You.

   Yo momma is so buff, I let her dry my car off.And may I add; her work ethic is impeccable!

   I see ole' Beverly Perdue is packing her Government bags and headed back to her husband Frank's Chicken farm! "Pluck them feathers woman!" heehee

   I instantly smile when I see a text from you, I don't care what's in it. It's amazing to know I crossed your mind even just for a second.

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage lightbulbs.

   Apparently one in ten people in the UK live next to a paedophile. Not me, I live next to two gorgeous 13 year olds

   I've always pronounced duct tape as duck tape.

   "An idea whose time has come cannot be stopped by any army or any government." - Ron Paul

   Whenever someone says, "I dont drink alcohol" all I hear is, "I am boing"