Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My ex is spreading false rumors about me being schizophrenic. Well, four can play at that game!

   Haven't heard Obama say one thing about getting rid of Jersey Shore..

   You know if you add the word t!tty to the end of some of your sentences... It just seem to flow right in.

   When your ex says "You'll never find anyone like me" reply with "That's the point"

   For me? Golf is a lot like women..... if she isn't holding my wood, she better be holding an iron.

   About to drink thermometer juice

   i hate that little line of dirt that I can never get into the dust pan...

   If I were a cop......Just as I get ready to taze someone I would say..............pikaaaaaaaaaa.........................CCCCHHHHHH UUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   OBAMA State Of the Union Address tonight!!! It is going to literally knock your Taxes off!!

   The number one song on the day I was born was "Who cares" by the "Waste of times".

   Can you smoke stem cells?

   I think you women are on to something...shoe shopping does make you feel better!!

   Almost time for the "Teleprompters State of the union speech".

   I lost my watch.. cant remember when!...

   its goin to be drizzy outside.......so expect a lil wayne

   No I didn't want a receipt but now that you've asked me I'm suspicious, so yes, I will have that receipt now please.

   Can't believe it's the Chinese New Year. I'm still writing Rabbit on all of my checks.

   I find it difficult to believe Newt Gingrich could be an effective president. He couldn't even manage to catch those dag old Duke boys.

   Congrats to Jay Cutler, soon to be Dad... Just goes to show that he cant get protection on or off the field.

   Bathroom mirrors are either the luckiest or the unluckiest objects in the house