Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder who makes the sandwiches in a lesbian marriage?

   People with a Bluetooth look like they're communicating with Douchebag Mission Control.

   Sending a risky text & thinking.. “Oh god, they hate me,” if they don't respond within 30 seconds.

   NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”  

   NO, you don't have “haters”. People just don't like you. Get over yourself.

   I think HR just keeps me around to help them write their new hand book. Every time I get called there they say "oh I've got to write this down!"

   Sometimes I walk through the baby aisle at the grocery store as a reminder to always use a condom.

   there a Dr. in the house? Preferably a surgeon? I'll need one to remove my foot from my co-worker's ass in about 5 minutes.

   Why do women like men who are smart, goal oriented and have a sense of humor?? Because opposites attract!!

   A girlfriend once told me, "You only ever hear what you want to hear!" "Thank you," I replied. "You're right, I am amazing."

   I love making people laugh. I just hate it when it happens when I get out of the shower and It's my wife. LOL!

   5 out of 6 people feel the need to tell other people their dreams, while 6 out of 6 people don't give a sh!t.

   I'm pretty sure going down on Lindsay Lohan is like licking a 9-volt battery.

   Random disturbing Thought for the Day~Where do cops in nudist colonies pin their badges?? Or...hide their weapons for that matter........

   When dogs sniff and pee on a tree, that's like their facebook.

   You fall, you rise, you make mistakes, you learn, you've been hurt, but you're alive. You're not perfect, you're human.

   Hood word of the day:TIED Usage: I'm not going out tonight bruh, I'm tied as hell

   Only half an hour to Republic day. Hope you all are photoshopping your DP with the tricolor background already.

   Tragedy strikes Honah Lee. Puff the Magic Dragon, last seen as he frolicked in the mist was found dead by the sea. Not a good start to the Chinese, Year of the Dragon....Police are seaching for Little Jackie Paper. Foul play is suspected.

   (-.(-.(-.-).-).-) easy now... The Chinese mafia is watching.