Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If karma doesn't hit you, I swear I will first..

   Tim Tebow is the most famous white Bronco since OJ's truck

   Good friends dont let you do stupid things....alone

   Some people are like trees, they take forever to grow up.

   I bet shady people have a really hard time getting tan

   Just because I send you to voicemail doesn't mean that I want you to leave me one.

   Fifty bucks says I make way more unnecessary noises than you.

   Charlie Sheen says he's not crazy anymore. The voices in his head told him so.

   Whenever I see a fly on a plane, I'm amazed by the wisdom of that choice.

   Making mental notes with a pen isn't very smart. I've got ink on my forehead now.

   The closest I've come to Tebowing was that time I fell asleep on the toilet at work.

   I'm following my dreams because I tried reality and that didn't work out so well.

   Tebow is now the most famous white bronco since OJ's truck.

   Todays goal: Do not post status upda......DAMN IT!

   Being at my job is just like being a stuntman...I get stabbed in the back, thrown under the bus and pushed over the edge daily. But without the hazzard pay.

   parties after Jesus died must've been pretty lame for the rest of his disciples ..

   I do what I wanna do, in living color.

   Seriously...Beyonce gave birth by C-section? With those hips, that would be the equivalent of Moses pulling the plug to cross the Red Sea!

   Just got Cowboys vs Aliens from Netfl*x in the mail, you should have seen the disappointment on my face when I found out it wasn't about Illegal immigration in AZ

   I'd go out more if I could bring my dog, b0ng, couch, and blanket with me.