Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Google: We're not dating, so stop trying to finish my sentences. Sincerely, not searching for "Why can't midgets shave"

   Allow me to water your balls so they can grow. #ThatsWhatSheSaid

   In the future, you'll be able to accurately predict your past.

   I tried to give my massage therapist a tip but she refused. Something about she has a boyfriend blah blah blah.

   when you see a sign at a restaurant that says 'employees must wash BOTH hands', I think that's when you have to worry...

   I hate when a texting convo goes like this You: heyy. Them: hey! You: watzup? Them: nothin wbu? You: same. Them: cool. You: yea Them: haha. You: lol. Them: yep.

   "Drunk Posting" is worse than "Drunk Texting", because instead of one person thinking you're an idiot, EVERYONE does!

   Really? Wow! (The only two things I ever say to kids)

   if I get sexted by somebody I don't want to sext, does that mean I got molexted?

   Dear heart, next time ... Damn THINK!

   When are we going to tell Puerto Rico it was adopted?

   Watch the movie ZEITGEIST if you want to know the truth about....everything. The ugly, brutal truth "they" don't want you to know.

   Dear Jennifer Hudson, I get it. You did it. Now shut up!

   found out yesterday that Wii Bowling skills don't translate well into real life. Hopefully boxing will go better tonight.

   Looking for a dog house !! Must be at least 6' 2" long : (

   - since it is the thought that counts...I'll just keep sitting here THINKING about being productive this evening

   Common sense is so rare, it should almost be classified as a superpower!

   Just told a cardboard box to "p!ss up a rope," so that's where I'm at as a person today.

   I received a string of blank texts from an unknown number. When I asked who it was, I got a list of every place I've been over the last three days. I'm scared to leave the house.

   the last time a tiger got a beating like that, was by a little blonde with a golf club!!! Roll Tide!!