Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can fix everyone's problems, but when it comes to you, you're lost.

   If you wear a bluetooth, please use one of your free hands to slap the ever loving sh*t out of yourself.

   "There should be a body shop called Auto Correct."

   You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn't stolen.

   Eventually gravity lowers every woman's standards.

   The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn't enough motivation to get off the couch.

   Roses Are Red Violets Are Red Trees Are Red Fuck my gardens on fire!

   Christmas...-What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree eating candy out of your sock?

   I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.......

   Independent women throw your hands in the air!!!! Whooooooo! Ok now put your hands down and go do some dishes.

   I tried letting a smile be my umbrella, but you can't whack people with a smile!

   Red Cross called and asked if I could donate to the Huntsville, Alabama floods. I told them that I would, but my garden hose only reaches to the end of my driveway....

   A gynaecologist is the only fool on earth who looks for problems in a place where others find pleasure.

   Narnia is a bad movie for gays...it asks you to remain in the closet for the best adventures and fun

   Here's a good way to find out if your mission on earth is complete: if your alive, it isn't.

   Laughter is the best medicine. But laugh for no reason and you need medicine.

   MTV has proven that the recent rise in teenage pregnancy has reallyyyyy changed the definition of a MILF

   Dear Toilet seat cover, when I'm done and start to get up, please let go of my ass cheek, Sincerely Every Man, Woman and child.

   i have all the right answers ...you just ask the wrong questions

   You know.. Ive lost so many guy friends by askin a simple question.." Do you have twitter?"