Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sunglasses allow an individual to stare at people without them knowing. It is Facebook in real life

   I know I'll be a good father. I've had my iPhone for over 6 months now and I've only dropped it 182 times so far.

   "You're such a f***-up, your DNA is made up of X's and 'why me's."

   If you ever get a sudden urge to run around naked, sniff some Windex first, it'll keep you from streaking.

   "I'm a Barbie Girl, In the Barbie world!! Life in plasic, Its fantastic".....admit it you read this with an annoying womens voice

   If they take the fighting out of hockey, that's it! I'm still not watching it..

   I want to learn the Vietnamese language so I can sit here and understand the ladies doing pedicures. Between their tone and their giggles, I know they're talking Sh*t!!

   I hate it when I am singing along to a good song and they change the words and make it look like I forgot them.

   Old Bay, A1, and hot sauce. That's my "I Put That S**T on everything" list.

   Like a Spider Monkey Hopped up on Mountain Dew !!!!!

   In most conversations, my face is basically a red battery logo with 10% written next to it.

   I just read that having sex burns just as much calories as running 4 miles. Who the f@&k runs 4 miles in 30 seconds?

   My girlfriend wants something with lots of diamonds for Valentine's Day. She is going to love this deck of cards!

   I wish Google could tell me where my T.V. remote is right now.

   The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.!!

   Why limit happy to just an hour?

   You know what commercial I really hate? All of em.

   I gave this guy a sausage and he traded me a seabird... It was then I realized I had taken a tern for the wurst.

   I wonder if anyone who played Operation as a kid grew up to be a doctor or anyone who played Monopoly grew up to be a thimble.

   My Favorite color is Booze!!