Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just huffed a can of spray cheese, now I'm full... and stoned

   Revenge .....Naaaaa , I'm too lazy , I'm just going to sit here and let Karma Fvck you up

   When OBAMA said he is going to get the jobs back from China were the jobs swimming back to America, because it is taking awhile

   You can tell you're a real John Wayne kind of man when it doesn't even matter what color bendy straw you use in your chocolate milk.

   Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There is nothing like having a midget for a butler.

   just got my girlfriend her valentines day gift.. shes gonna love her "tube of boob lube"

   someone asked me to be a god parent...i think I would be more like a OMG parent

   go to all your friends status updates and type in... You spelled ANAL wrong.

   im happier than a puppy with 2 peters

   my gastro-intestinal Dr. was named Joe...he looked pissed when he came in the room and I sang ..G.I Joe...

   I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?

   I have a feeling that I'm gonna regret not reading youtubes notification about the new policy

   i think casinos should add a russian roulette table for those who jus lost everything

   "Some days, you're the status; others, just a comment."

   Heads up folks. Apparently the little AAA stickers don't count as "proof" of insurance. That is all...

   Fear? I grew up in a time when the Russians wanted to nuke us and the Stray Cats wanted to rock our towns inside out.

   I've yet to see a picture of an Occupy Wall Street protest that didn't make me say, "Hey, that's the guy who delivers my pizza."

   Tip of the Day: Be nice to midgets. They have short tempers.

   If my ship ever did come in, with my luck, I am pretty sure it would be named the Titanic!

   Some day's should come with a warning label: Today's gonna suck, so bring alcohol.