Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I wasn't that high!" "Dude, you walked into class, late, sat down & tried to put your seatbelt on."

   Today I saw a homeless man holding a sign that said "why live in a $100k home when I can live under a 3 million dollar bridge?"

   I love reading Facebook drama, people go so hard behind that keyboard!

   Dwayne Wade n Chris Bosh both took cpr classes this summer... just incase Lebron decides to choke again this year.

   Today I changed my name in my dads phone to God and when he swore I texted him saying "I HEARD THAT!" The look on his face; priceless.

   I don't care if you think I'm crazy. Life is too short to be normal!

   "I wasnt that drunk.." ... "bro you threw my parrot into a wall screaming "ANGRY BIRDS! " @___@

   When you know why you like someone, it's a crush. When you have no reason or explanation, it's love.

   The f***ing thing I f***ing like the most in the f***ing english language is that you can f***ing put the f***ing word "f***ing" every f***ing place you f***ing want.

   I hate when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn't follow the script.

   please ignore this status, I am standing in public alone and I don't want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am textin

   Wanna fix the economy? Find a cure for dumba$$

   Just parted the red sea with a big log. Moses would be proud.

   Beer Run! Its like a marathon but instead of drinking water you have beer and there is actually no running involved.

   I can run with scissors cause I know how to roll.

   Your not old until your toenails look like Frito chips.

   what is up with these sweatpants and UGGS, totally NOT sexy

   I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack:)

   Dear grown folks, Stop going broke trying to look rich and act your WAGE:)

   A bald Barbie? It's about time the drapes matched the carpet!