Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Okay, move along! There is nothing to see here!!

   Okay, Bee Gees, I'll bite. What qualifies as "more than a woman"?

   roses are red and violets are blue my fat doesnt hang down to my crotch how about you

   i wake up every morning and high five my ego

   I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I was sweating...

   One of the best feelings in the world is when you hug someone you love and they pepper spray you.

   Next time a girl pisses you off... Just tell her your guna slap the sh!t out of her t!tt!es.. Wait for her facial reaction to change.. And then walk away like a BOSS!

   I love when my friends tell me they have 3 or 4 days off from work. Then want to make plans to go out and expect me to pay the bill because their check sucked. Well maybe your a$$ should of went to work instead of bragging about being off.

   I'm not drunk...I'm avoiding snipers.

   My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.

   My anorexic friend died doing what she loved. Starving.

   They say you are whatt you eat, but I dont remember eating a sexy beast,.......hahaha

   A jealous woman does better research than the FBI....

   I`m not ignoring your calls, I just love my ringtone

   I hope one day you will grow older than your ego.

   If you must have religion in your life, choose the best religion: Kindness.

   I heard Soulja Boy just went platinum...in Antarctica

   Some people are so dumb that I automatically assume their parents are siblings.

   if niky minaj gained 300lbs she would look exactly like my wife

   when your stomach hangs down past your crotch...its time to stop eating unless you like the "i have no waist or hips" look