Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you aren't happy being single, you'll never be happy in a relationship. Get your own life first, then share it.

   A cooking show said you can batter food in left-over beer. What is left-over beer

   Where the hell were these teachers that bang their students when I was in high school?!

   Thank you back to back Sandals and Trojan commercials for making me feel especially single this evening.

   Necrophilia: because there's nothing like cracking open a cold one.

   My hubby is on suicide watch ... All because I reminded him that we vowed to be together 'Til Death do us part'!

   I never said I knew what what I was doing, I said I was going to do it anyways!

   I Like my Job on my day's off, I LOVE my job on paydays!

   If I said something to offend you .. tell me... I may want to use it again:)

   if an actor in a heat of the moment scene has to say "I will cut your freaking balls off" and the Director shouts "Cut!" what the hell does the actor do?!?

   Im sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid ... I really thought you already knew!

   for every "I give a duck face" a girl puts on facebook, a guy on the opposite side of the screen gives an "I don't give a f°çk face"!

   Sorry Toby Keith. If they ever come out with a "Mossy Oak" design, your song about the "red" Solo cup is screwed!!!

   uuuggg one of these days I would like to wake up independantly wealthy so I can go back to bed!

   Said to herself "Self", and I knew it was me cause I recongized my own voice & was wearing my underwear "you should really make me another rum & coke"!

   Patience is not a virtue! Its a gift. I'm not gifted!

   I just started using the new Timeline on Facebook. Maybe I can trace my life back to when I actually gave a sh!t.

   Yeah, I thought I loved you too... but then I realized I just needed to fart.

   I'm so hungry that my stomach stopped growling. Now its just whimpering.

   You had better look like your profile picture or your buying me drinks till you do!