Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A jealous woman does better research than the FBI....

   I`m not ignoring your calls, I just love my ringtone

   I hope one day you will grow older than your ego.

   If you must have religion in your life, choose the best religion: Kindness.

   I heard Soulja Boy just went platinum...in Antarctica

   Some people are so dumb that I automatically assume their parents are siblings.

   if niky minaj gained 300lbs she would look exactly like my wife

   when your stomach hangs down past your crotch...its time to stop eating unless you like the "i have no waist or hips" look

   Me and my recliner...we go way back.

   just because YOU think that your pretty dosent make you pretty it just means your EGO is as ugly and fat as YOU are

   thinking about going over to Walmart and showing off my teeth.

   Breaking News: New Chinese TV leaks just enough radiation so you get a gorgeous tan while watching

   Nobody likes the person that asks, "Well, where did you put it last?"

   Remember, what doesn't kill you, makes a great story.

   The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.

   Your chances of dying on the way to buying a lotto ticket are greater than your chances of winning.

   Sunday morning is for sleeping in, having sex, sipping coffee, and eating bacon.

   Watched the show Ax men for the first time today, and was shocked when it wasn't about black men.

   The ultimate test for a relationship is having arguments and still being able to have amazing sex.

   I washed the car with my son today. Worst.sponge.EVER.