Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As a parent, I find myself using the same cliches my parents did.... for example, "Wimp! It's only Everclear!"

   Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."

   I'm not fat because I want to be.... rather, I think it's my best chance to land a skinny mate.

   I hate it when I wake up from drinking, and half of my head is shaved, I have shaving cream in one hand, and the other hand is in a glass of warm water; especially when I've been drinking at home alone

   the only reason why your girlfriend likes your d!ck is because her mom told her to enjoy the little things in life.

   For 20 yrs Jay-Z referred to other men's daughters as b!tches & hoes then decides his own daughter Princess Baby Jesus is exempt from the game!

   That moment when you get closer and the automatic door hasn't opened yet.

   That f*ckin moment you spent all game getting drunk and rooting your team on for the win and they lose and now you just look like a drunk assh0l3!

   I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. "Alright, get in the basket"

   Come to the nerd side.. we have Pi.

   What if I am retarded, but my parents paid everyone to play along so I could be happy...

   A lot of women are too busy being a good man to attract one.

   ‎#<( '-'< ) I was going to give you this waffle, ( >'-' )># but then I was like, ( >'#'< ) I'm hungry ( >'-'< ) so I ate it."

   I'm a passionate man. I like some things and love others. Example: I like coming and I love leaving.

   Fact: you can't wake someone who has Parkinson up by shaking him.

   can't make it rain cause, my coupons might drown me! xD

   Anti-obesity ads featuring fat kids are causing controversy in Georgia. Unfortunately, none of them are forced to to the "truffle shuffle."

   "We found lunch in a homeless place" - Rihanna in a soup kitchen

   I was gonna update my status, but then I got high.

   If you ever hire me to work for you, don't pay me money, pay me with 12 cases of beer. That's where all the money is going anyway!