Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was mugged by 2 chinese guys. I told the police how they looked like and they narrowed it down to 53,000 suspects.

   Someone stole my coffee cup from work yesterday. I'll be back, gonno go down to the police station to look at some mug shots.

   If you never stuck a butterknife in the cable box to kind of see the porn channel then you never had a childhood.

   *When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick*

   If you fall, I'll be there - The Floor

   Awkwardly flushing the toilet when everyone else is sleeping

   I like to go to parks and watch the children run around because they don't know I'm using blanks

   Nobody is calling you man...TAKE THE FN BLUETOOTH OUT OF UR EAR

   Okay, move along! There is nothing to see here!!

   Okay, Bee Gees, I'll bite. What qualifies as "more than a woman"?

   roses are red and violets are blue my fat doesnt hang down to my crotch how about you

   i wake up every morning and high five my ego

   I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I was sweating...

   One of the best feelings in the world is when you hug someone you love and they pepper spray you.

   Next time a girl pisses you off... Just tell her your guna slap the sh!t out of her t!tt!es.. Wait for her facial reaction to change.. And then walk away like a BOSS!

   I love when my friends tell me they have 3 or 4 days off from work. Then want to make plans to go out and expect me to pay the bill because their check sucked. Well maybe your a$$ should of went to work instead of bragging about being off.

   I'm not drunk...I'm avoiding snipers.

   My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.

   My anorexic friend died doing what she loved. Starving.

   They say you are whatt you eat, but I dont remember eating a sexy beast,.......hahaha