Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Nothing is impossible." I disagree. I'm doing nothing right now... it's totally possible.

   Black History Month should be called "Four Weeks Of Morgan Freeman's Voiceover Work"

   Hey Dos Equis... we drink beer to become quenched, not to "stay thirsty." You might want to work on that slogan, brainiac.

   I find SpongeBob to be a little self-absorbed.

   Hey, people who have those long ass names on FB like, "Kiesha HatersGonnaHateButI'mJustGonnaKeepOnBeingaBoss Jenkins," CUT THAT SHlT OUT!

   Snooki's pregnant? Wow, that's gotta be tough. I don't think they even make balloons with "Congratulations! It's a Cocaine Addict!" on them.

   if being sarcastic burned calories, I'd look like a total crackhead.

   I would be so much cooler if…ah, who am I kidding?

   Groundhog Day is a good time for us to pause & reflect on how much I want Andie MacDowell to sit on my face & wiggle about.

   I like reading "Texts From Last Night" when I'm hungover... It's like yeah I'm pretty ridiculous, but at least I didn't take a dump in someone's shampoo bottle and then text about it.

   I refuse to believe the ground hog saw his shadow until he updates his status.

   All Jack and no work, makes Jill a nymphomaniac.

   Contrary to popular belief, "Puppy Pimps" is not a good name for a dog breeder.

   it a coincidence that Black History Month is in the shortest month of the year even in a leap year? Awkward.

   Dont bite the hand that feeds you, its true, just had an incident at McDonalds and the stupid cashier filed charges

   The only thing that annoy's lately is when I type tge instead of the on my IPhone !! Drives me crazy !

   You know its a sad epidemic when"MILFS" are now considered "Barely Legal" in the porn industry..

   and my excuse to drink today....."Its Groundhog Day!"

   The handicap parking at the special olympics must be insane

   I need a new assistant for my knife-throwing act. Also need a large rug and a gallon of bleach.