Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just imagine how much play Red Box would get if it were pink.

   I like a girl who is not ashamed to have her crotch sniffed by my dog.

   ...it's ok that it's not movie quality!.

   I've been a fan of Ron Paul since his voiceover work for Smucker's in the early '80s.

   FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers

   The next person to cough near me is getting a spork to their eyeball.

   Anti-Birth Control Christians should remember that when G0d said 'Be fruitful & multiply' there were only 2 ppl on Earth.

   Renée Zellweger always looks like she's trying to find the image in a magic eye picture.

   Happy Hump Day This Sincerely, Those of us who work Saturdays

   how awsome would it be to get in a fight exactly how it happened in Michael Jackson's "Beat It" video!

   Officer: anything you say will be held against you. Me: Big T!ts!

   Olive Garden says: "When you're here you're family". I won't go there out of fear of a woman resembling my grandmother running out of the kitchen and throwing a shoe at my head.

   If opposites attract I am obviously looking for a noble prize winner who isn't awesome!

   I'm single by choice... the girl I was interested in choose to turn me down.

   Why didn't God use the same anchoring system for head hair as he did for nose hair?

   if you change your status to "in a relationship", it must last longer than a Kim Kardashian marriage.

   So Angry Birds is now the most popular phone app in the world. It's basically a game where brightly coloured squeaking chicks desperately launched themselves at pigs. It's basically a Mancunian night club simulator.

   this cop pulled me over then asked me why I was speeding, I told him I was rushing to the policemen's ball. He looked at me and told me "policemen don't have balls" he smiled and let me go

   a parent should never name the kid "Lana"...just in case the kid becomes dyslexic

   According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of winshield washer fluid...please do not sit on the hood of a mans car...