Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hostess is filing for bankruptcy? Buy all the twinkles, zingers, and ho's ho's as you can! D:

   I wonder if young people on honeymoons today have as much sex as we did when I was young. For the first week on our cruise, most people thought my wife and I were Siamese twins.

   Judging from Axl Rose's physique, Paradise City has green grass, pretty girls and an abundance of Twinkies.

   I am never affected, moved or swayed by the sheer numbers of people in any particular group for I know that even idiots and fools know how to congregate.

   I hope my CEO doesn't come here as the Undercover Boss cause I'd be like, "Ahh, don't worry about that mess. It'll be there tomorrow... BREAK TIME!"

   What makes you laugh... might surely make someone else laugh. And with laughter... comes smiles... and with smiles... comes happiness! It can be that simple!

   a good driver discount, a good student discount. what about a watching an anoying lizard in a stupid comercial discount?

   cant have an openly religious football player in the NFL, that would be bad. it needs more accused murderers, rapists and morons who shoot themselves in the leg.

   Rather than waste money going to strip clubs I can save it by just staying here on Facebook and watch some sluts' profile pics.

   Hey Green Bay I bet your having a lot of W(H)INE with your cheese tonight.

   Just when I thought there was hope for humanity, I walked into Walmart. We're all doomed.

   On the bright side...Aaron Rodgers can now do all the comercials he wants

   If you don't cut your hair with a Flowbee, you are probably too high maintenance for me.

   Im not fat at all, I just enjoy washing dishes in my belly button

   Anybody ever notice Mr. Crabs and Popeye have the same laugh?

   Kids don't like meatloaf…but add some candles kids love meat cake….

   watcing the Canadian Curling Championships on ESPH-EH.

   Went over to my hippie neighbor's house and asked for a pot holder, and he came out with a sandwich bag. Note to self: New best friend

   What food decreases a women's sex drive faster than anything else? Wedding cake

   It would be easier to keep my New Year's resolution to accept and forgive people if they'd stop being the same jacka$$es they were last year.