Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come over

   So when a girl Poke$ me on fb, is it like a $trap on or something?

   I'll call you Daddy......no problem, when I get a weekly allowance!

   Today is "International Microphone Testing day" 1.2.12

   Soul Train? I don't think this means what you think it means!

   decorating for my stupid sisters baby shower using condoms as balloons..

   likes to fist-bump with a 'i got ur nose' fist

   Hopefully Don Cornelius really is on the Soul Train to Heaven...

   I had a happy childhood. My dad would put me inside a tire and then roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears

   Funny, on the same day Don Cornelius dies, my platform shoes lost their sole.

   that moment when you're dancing like a mad man in your car and completely stop when another car pulls next to you

   My mom still tells me not to talk to strangers. I'm 22 mom, I don't talk to strangers, I sleep with them.

   theres not many things funnier than a tranny in transition tryin to look all fancy with a crappy wig

   Things you don't wanna hear after saying "I love you" to someone .... "Thank you" ... "I know you do" ... "I think we should just be friends" ... "I'm married" ... "Who the hell are you? What are you doing in my bed? How the f*ck did you get in my house?!

   Hate it when people post complaints on Facebook. Those people are annoying.

   "Stop flipping me off!" - Light Switch

   if love is blind, then letting go is like taking off the blindfold.

   The Soul Train has been derailed....RIP....Don Cornelius....

   Dear HBO, thanks so much for the porn every night, sincerely, kids everywhere

   The death rattle is an unsettling noise. Not "Macy Gray" scary, but still...