Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today I am bewitched, bothered, and bewildered. Also not wearing pants.

   Idea: A Roomba type of device that putters around the house and then shoots a deadly laser at anyone who says "bro" a lot.

   The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I'm home alone and my power goes out.

   I may look calm but in my head I've killed you 3 times

   Girls, don't waste money tattooing your legs. They eventually become available for free. They're called varicose veins.

   I'm not calling her a sl*t. I'm simply stating that if her vag had a password it would've been password.

   it me or does C-lo Green look like a twacked out beetle?

   Great! Now my: foods to eat, places to visit, crafts to make list just got a whole lot longer. Thanks a lot Pinterest!

   Dear Giselle, you made your point that the wide receivers couldn't catch the ball. Please keep in mind that not everyone can catch a set of balls while lying on their back.

   If Crunch Berries aren't considered fresh fruit I don't think this diet is going to work out.

   Bad: Waking up and finding a pen!s drawn on your face. Worse: Finding out it was traced. EVEN Worse: You were drinking alone !!

   It should be illegal to be outgoing before 10am.

   The best way to win an argument is to use logic.

   People who say, “I am a lover NOT a fighter” are full of bullsh!t. If you love something, you WILL fight for it.

   A tip for you joggers out there: To run faster, make sure there is an attractive person in front of you at all times OR a creepy guy behind you.

   How to be a gangster: Step1- Buy XXL shirts and pants. Step2- Put them on. Step3- Waddle like a penguin.

   Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons, but I think they forgot to mention Morons.

   I bet if Tom Brady wore his UGGS Boots last night he probably would have played a lot better!

   I find it distressing that some folks' universe doesn't radiate beyond the highest hair on their heads.

   And this morning a container ship will depart for some third world country, loaded with New England Patriots Super Bowl XLVI Champions gear.