Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time I use a public bathroom, one thought occurs..."Seriously? This many people have Sharpies on them at all times?"

   I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. I hope it's thinking about me too.

   Whoever named it a "mobile" phone obviously didn't anticipate me spending the day on the couch covered in crumbs reading Twitter.

   10 times out of 9, you'll find me exaggerating about something.

   Unicorns are really just weaponized ponies.

   I can wake up at random intervals, crying and hungry too, so screw you babies.

   Had a long phone conversation with an old friend. He simply wouldn't shut up about phones. Finally had to just walk away.

   Tragedy. A hole has formed in the elbow of my favorite comfy shirt. Do I wait for Bono to call, or reach out to him directly?

   The only person I'd ever take love advice from is that French candlestick from Beauty and the Beast.

   It's like I'm always holding for the next available representative, but they never hold me back.

   There is nothing quite like the pang of disappointment you feel when you realize that you have pressed the wrong button on the vending machine as you stare at that damn granola bar instead of a hunny bun.

   It does't matter if you're a man or woman: if you haven't got a date for Valentines Day, either way, you'll end up with a box of tissues!!!

   "You're beautiful. No, you're beautiful! No, No, you're Beautiful. No No No. You're beautiful." -Girls on Facebook Profile Pictures

   Remove all the vowels from boys = BS, remove all vowels from females = FML

   sure that if I ever went to a psychologist, he'd tell me that ALL my personalities are fine...except my REAl one.

   one of my biggest fears is to look out my window at night and see someone staring back at me.

   Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.

   if you refer to yourself or the person you are talking too in 3rd person and/or if you've hurt your shoulder from patting your own back.. you can't and shouldn't be trusted.

   Yesterday my wife caught me checking out our hot new neighbor and all she had to say to me was, “It doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home".

   Saw the new commercial again and I wont lie, I like that new brown M&M character. Now we know what it would look like if Urkel and Precious had a baby together