Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They might as well start teaching texting while driving in driver's education classes.

   Your beer goggles say she's a 9, but my BROnoculars say she's a 3.

   Ed Hardy makes the "find the douchebag" game really easy.

   Makeup, soda, sandwich, texting, talking, then I realized she was driving the car in front of me, in traffic.

   I only like foods that begin with the word "cheesy".

   In porn, large breasted women home alone order a LOT of pizza and never have money. They've lots to learn about nutrition & cash management.

   Need to call in a hot female carpenter to fix this morning wood.

   "They're meh." --Tony the Tiger, off his Paxil for a few days

   Around here we commonly refer to our intellectual property as 'our sh!t'.

   If you emphasize the po in police they're probably already after you.

   A heads up to girls on Facebook .. if your status says "single" and your profile picture is you with your cat - Well then that is why

   I call bullsh!t on these retro bottles of Coca-Cola. They make you add your own cocaine.

   According to WebMC, I be illin'.

   Joe Paterno's doctors also said they wish they could have done more.

   I hate when people don't watch where I'm going when I'm walking and texting.

   "What do you mean the Broncos played last week?" -God

   rip joe paterno - his glasses will be donated to science and studied to see if they allow you to see anything!!

   if you get caught cheating run...

   How exactly is carrying a screaming two year old different from playing the bagpipes?

   The best thing about Africa is that you never get Facebook updates about what people are eating.